Indoor Bowls

EASTCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS TOURNAMENT

2019 INDOOR BOWLS REPORTS

EASCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS REPORT: FINALS

Eastcote Indoor Bowls - Mixed Bag triumph

BREAKING: Mixed Bag triumphs again! The team originally inspired by the late, great Faisal Saleem, later run by Mona and now in the safe hands of Captain Chandler claimed the Mark Fielding Indoor Bowls trophy for the second time in a row. They beat off a spirited challenge by Captain Wallis’s Few Good Men who otherwise, had an impressive run in the tournament. The championship team (left to right) of Stephen Chandler, John Ayres, Chris Thom and Mike Chandler can now expect adulation like no other.

Captain Harding’s WrongUns who had set their sights on winning the trophy this year were left devastated in the semi-finals. They will be back. The other semi-finalists, Captain Bramble’s Rolling Stones, making their debut this year, were left to rue missed chances which if taken would have catapulted them into the finals.

Quick review: With better luck, ex-champions Captain Natalie’s Carpet Burners could well have been in contention. Captain Pepper’s Stunts are one of the most talented sides in the league that are yet to win the tournament – here is surely the ultimate stunt to pull. The Brexiteers had a poor season despite playing with great spirit. Captain Bowers of Undate-a-Bowls tried his best for no avail, ending up at the bottom of the table. The greatest improvement was seen by Loose Women and Angry Birds. Captain Louise and Captain Tracey respectively have set themselves up beautifully to stake a claim for the trophy next year. Overall, the level of bowls was impressive.

The rising standards of bowls is no surprise given the number of hours that has been devoted to bowls over the years. After all, this chimes with Malcolm Gladwell’s assertion that you can become world class by devoting10,000 hours of purposeful practice at improving a skill, any skill. You can see this in practice when you look at the cricketers around the club who have devoted over 10,000 hours in their quest to becoming world class … but not always in the pursuit of cricketing excellence ?.

In other news, on-field captain of Pride and one of the legends of Eastcote Indoor Bowls, Lee Hutton has demonstrated his fighting spirit in a real-life contest by overcoming serious illness and is back on the mend. Captain Clouting’s Pride are now preparing to roar back into Eastcote Indoor Bowls 2020.

It was a tribute to the contestants that yet again the tournament was played in good spirits but with exceptional competitiveness. Nothing less could surely be expected from members of a sports club, not least Eastcote Cricket Club.

The end of the bowls season heralds the beginning the cricket season. The Colts and the Senior Players are finessing their preparations for what promises to be an exciting year of cricket. The Club is coming to life! It is well worth coming along to support the teams and enjoy the social environment of the club in what is a beautiful setting. Here is hoping for a great season. Come on the Squirrels!

Note: The below account of the bowls evening is by Path Rasan. The report sometime uses elasticated facts.

EASCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS FINALS PREVIEW

BREAKING: The finals of the Eastcote Indoor Bowls tournament is set to start at 8pm on Friday the 5^th of April with the top four team (highlighted in yellow) battling it out for the Mark Fielding Indoor Bowls trophy. It promises to be a fun night with some exciting bowls, music and some spicy Mutton rolls, Fish Patties and a vegetarian option.

The Brexiteers and the Undate-a-Bowls will also compete but this, to avoid the Jim Fairbrother Wooden Spoon.

In other news, Myvfany Barret of Few Good Men is set to become a CBE on the 4^th of April! Congratulations Myvfany.

2019 EASTCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS TABLE
	Won	Lost	Pts Scored	Pts Conceded	Net Score
Few Good Men	5	1	47	30	17
Mixed Bag	5	1	39	31	8
WrongUns	4	2	39	23	16
Bowling Stones	4	2	28	25	3
Carpet Burners	3	3	25	21	4
Loose Women	3	3	37	35	2
Stunts	3	3	29	31	-2
Angry Birds	2	4	30	31	-1
Brexiteers	1	5	19	39	-20
Undate-a_Bowls	0	6	15	42	-27

PREVIEW

Few Good Men:

This superbly well-knit team’s knitting may be coming off with key player Stephen unavailable for the finals. No doubt Captain Wallis has a cunning plan.

Mixed Bag:

When asked what his strategy was to win the trophy, Captain Chandler had said “to turn up”. Now to make sure not to miss the bus.

WrongUns:

Captain Harding’s WrongUns will be hoping they can be the RightUns on the day. Ambiguously named, WrongUns are meant to identify with the clever cricketing delivery, the Googly and not to be mistaken for ‘wrong ones’.

Top tip: Avoid ambiguity by rebranding to Doosra instead.

Bowling Stones:

Rolling Bowls have made it to the finals on the first time of asking. Now they need to believe. Captain Bramble need not worry because in his ranks he has Jason Travers who has shown that he has the absolute ability to believe in the impossible for years - Brenford FC winning the FA cup.

Other News:

Glamour Girls who had a stranglehold on the Wooden Spoon for many years narrowly failed to qualify in the top four! Angry Birds showed great promise. Carpet Burners and Stunts are bound to rue the missed opportunities that could have changed the course of history.

Carpet Burners vs Undate-a-Bowls 7-0

Undate-a-Bowls: Captain David Bowers, Scott , John Harry and Deborah-Ann

Carpet Burners: Captain Natalie, Max Walker, David Wakefield and Vic

WrongUns vs Mixed Bag 7-0

WrongUns: Captain Adam Harding, James Mans, Sam Moody, Barnaby Heap and Danny Mac

Mixed Bag: Captain Steve Chandler, Mona, Mike Chandler, Chris Thom and John Ayres

Loose Women vs Few Good Men 8-10

Few Good Men: Captain Clive Wallis, Zac Wallis, Stephen Barret and Myvfany Barret

Loose Women: Captain Louise Hobday, Janet Thom, Ele Broom, and Denise Broom

Brexiteers vs Angry Birds 1-7

Brexiteers: Geoff Eastwell, Martin Barry, Dave Williams, Steve Eastwell and David Kemp, Steve Garner and Paulo Gernova

Stunts: Captain James Roan, Stanley, Matt Savage, Danny Skilton and Sumo

EASCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS REPORT: WEEK 5 OF 7

The Eastcote Indoor Bowls Tournament has now entered it critical stages. The last round presents the final chance for the teams to stay in contention to win the coveted Mark Fielding trophy. Of course, with the trophy comes the incredible adulation of bowls fans across the land of Eastcote CC If you can imagine the adulation of fans that greeted Beatles during their heydays, well, this would be nothing like that. This would be more like the adulation received by Bay City Rollers in their pomp.

Given the prize at stake the pressure now becomes immense. This is the point in the tournament when the game moves from a game of skill to bladder control – when ability to play under immense pressure trumps bowls skill. Fortunately, the rich tapestry of the English language captures the essence of the moment succinctly in just one phrase – it is squeaky bum time.

Controversy reigned yet again as news started to break that the highly paid fixtures guy, who has just one job, screwed up. Captain Bramble’s beautifully crafted team name Rolling Bowls had been turned on its head and displayed as Bowling Stones on the fixture card!! The fixtures guy has been given a final warning and a dictionary.

Team News:

Undate-a-Bowls crashed to yet another defeat and now Captain Bowers has built a 5-0 beaten record. Never in the history of the bowls competition has a team relentlessly pursued a strategy to win the wooden spoon – admittedly a beautifully carved wooden spoon donated by ECC’s number one fan Jim Fairbrother. This may all be part of Captain Bower’s elaborate plan to set the bar so low that any performance next year will be seen as a massive improvement.

Mixed Bag v Few Good Men:

Much was expected of this match between the two unbeaten sides in the tournament and it did not disappoint. It was one of high quality and intensity. Ultimately Mixed Bag prevailed but only just. A repeat may well be on the cards in the finals.

WrongUns: After relinquishing his cricket and bowls captaincy duties, Ex Captain Mans appears to have reached a zen like state with not a single worry line. All that could change given the perilous situation WrongUns find themselves. They may well have to beat the tournament favourites Mixed Bag to book a place on Finals day. This is going to be an interesting contest.

Loose Women: These articulate have-it-all women know what they want and when they want it and they certainly did not want a late slot on the fixture list. So, step forward Loosely Women Matt and Charlie to fill the void. Not only did they fill the void, together with star player Denise caused an upset by beating heavily fancied WrongUns.

Another player missing from the Loose Women line-up was aspiring Loose Woman Ele who had commitments to her band - a surefire route to senior Loose Woman status. The band is called angelsNbandits (youtube link below). Watching the video it is clear that Ele is on a trajectory that is way beyond Loose Woman territory… perhaps more in the region of Let Loose Woman status.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=23PvHGjYjfE

Ele,is the one with all the best moves in the black stripy top (with a yellow tinge).

Other team news: Top teams Stunts and Carpet Burners are struggling to be relevant this season. They have a mathematical chance of reaching the Finals-day, a probability only Einstein could have found. Brexiteers on the other hand have a real chance but that is to play in the Wooden Spoon context. As for Angry Birds, their rejuvenation this year has been one of the big stories of the year.

Rolling Bowls vs Undate-a-Bowls 7-3

Rolling Bowls: Captain William Bramble, Jason Travers, Pravin Hirani and Olly Harvey

Undate-a-Bowls: Captain David Bowers , Scott , John Harry and Deborah-Ann

WrongUns vs Loose Women 5-7

Loose Women: Captain Louise Hobday, Janet Thom, Ele Broom, and Denise Broom

WrongUns: Captain Adam Harding, James Mans, Sam Moody, Barnaby Heap and Danny Mac

Mixed Bag vs Few Good Men 10-8

Mixed Bag: Captain Steve Chandler, Mona, Mike Chandler, Chris Thom and John Ayres

Few Good Men: Captain Clive Wallis, Zac Wallis, Stephen Barret and Myvfany Barret

Brexiteers vs Angry Birds 3-7

Angry Birds: Captain Tracey, Zara, Jill, Courtney, Corrine and Louise

Brexiteers: Geoff Eastwell, Martin Barry, Dave Williams, Steve Eastwell and David Kemp, Steve Garner and Paulo Gernova

Carpet Burners vs Stunts 7-0

Carpet Burners: Captain Natalie, Max Walker, David Wakefield and Vic

Stunts: Captain James Roan, Stanley, Matt Savage, Danny Skilton and Sumo

EASTCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS REPORT: WEEK 4 OF 7

The scramble for the Mark Fielding Eastcote Cricket Club intensified last Friday as it dawned on teams that there were just two more rounds to establish a place in the top four to qualify for the all-important finals-day. The next exciting bowls round is at 8pm this Friday the 8^th of March at the Club.

2019 EASTCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS TABLE
	Won	Lost	Pts Scored	Pts Conceded	Net Score
Mixed Bag	4	0	29	16	13
Few Good Men	4	0	31	20	11
WrongUns	3	1	27	16	11
Loose Women	2	2	24	22	2
Stunts	2	2	22	23	-1
Rolling Bowls	2	2	21	22	-1
Angry Birds	1	3	23	28	-5
Brexiteers	1	3	15	25	-10
Undate-a_Bowls	0	4	23	17	6
Carpet Burners	0	4	11	21	-10

Controversy: Earlier in the week, controversy had reigned as it became clear the highly paid Bowls points counting guy had one job and he had screwed up. He had wrongly recorded that Bowling Stones had beaten WrongUns. The Eastcote Indoor Bowls headquarters received representations from three separate WrongUns executives pointing out the error. Contact was conspicuously absent from Bowling Stones proving beyond any doubt that the results had indeed been wrongly recorded. The highly paid Bowls points counting guy has been given a final warning and a calculator.

Stunts v WrongUns: A defeat today would have spelt the end of the season for Stunts, who are pound-for-pound the best team in the league (OK, they are also a bunch of skinny guys). For WrongUns, an unbeaten record was at stake.

The match stood up to its billing – highly competitive and of the greatest quality, one wholly appreciated by the bowls public. Facing defeat, a massive 4-0 round in favour of Stunts saw them snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. This meant that Stunts live to fight another day and WrongUns lose their unbeaten record.

Immediately after the match key WrongUns players, Captain Adam and Sam were in conference in their office… OK, to be more precise, adjacent cubicles in the toilet discussing the match. Their conclusion was unanimous – the outcome was shit.

Carpet Burners: Captain Natalie had filled her oversees player slot with a Czech international … at ice hockey. Luca was a natural, playing some fantastic bowls from the outset. Asked how the experience was playing indoor bowls he said “Bowls is just like ice-hockey but without the fighting”.

Loose Women / Angry Birds: It has been remarkable to see the sharp improvement of a number of players. A case in point was the magnificent display last Friday by Loose Woman, Captain Louise and Angry Birds Corrine and Courtney.

The greatest improvement this year has been shown by Angry Birds and Loose Women. They play almost as if they have a 3 points start! Today the resurgent Loose Women beat Bowling Stones to reach fourth place on the points table! The Angry Birds put up an amazing show and missed only by a whisker to overcome tournament favourites Few Good Men! The tournament is hotting up indeed!

Bowling Stones vs Loose Women 3-7

Loose Women: Captain Louise Hobday, Janet Thom, Ele Broom, and Denise Broom

Bowling Stones: Captain William Bramble, Jason Travers, Pravin Hirani and Olly Harvey

WrongUns vs Stunts 6-7

Stunts: Captain James Roan, Stanley, Matt Savage, Danny Skilton and Sumo

WrongUns: Captain Adam Harding, James Mans, Sam Moody, Barnaby Heap and Danny Mac

Mixed Bag vs Undate-a-Bowls 7-2

Mixed Bag: Captain Steve Chandler, Mona, Mike Chandler, Chris Thom and John Ayres

Undate-a-Bowls: Captain David Bowers, Scott , John Harry and Deborah-Ann

Few Good Men vs Angry Birds 10-8

Few Good Men: Captain Clive Wallis, Zac Wallis, Stephen Barret and Myvfany Barret

Angry Birds: Captain Tracey, Zara, Jill, Courtney, Corrine and Louise

Carpet Burners vs Brexiteers 7-0

Carpet Burners: Captain Natalie, Max Walker, David Wakefield and Vic

Brexiteers: Geoff Eastwell, Martin Barry, Dave Williams, Steve Eastwell and David Kemp, Steve Garner and Paulo Gernova

Note: The below account of the bowls evening is by Path Rasan. The report sometime uses elasticated facts.

EASTCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS REPORT: WEEK 3 OF 7

2019 EASTCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS TABLE
	Won	Lost
Few Good Men	3	0
Rolling Bowls	3	0
Mixed Bag	3	0
WrongUns	2	1
Loose Women	1	2
Stunts	1	2
Angry Birds	1	2
Brexiteers	1	2
Undate-a_Bowls	0	3
Carpet Burners	0	3

They say Eastcote CC is picturesque. Sure enough, there they were on Bowls Night, s tanding outside the club, Mona and Lisa. They were definitely smiling.

As for the bowls, the scramble to win the Mark Fielding Eastcote Indoor Bowls trophy has now reached the half way mark. With four semi-finals places up for grabs, some teams are positioned well, others have a mathematical chance and a few are seeking divine intervention. In other words anything is still possible. After all, this is all they have to do to make it to the semis.

Four steps to be an accomplished bowls player:

1 Roll the ball smoothly to find its natural curved trajectory

2 Angle the delivery away from the target to compensate for the curvature

3 Find the right pace for the ball to stop as close as possible to the Jack

4 Execute all this together under intense pressure without soiling the pants

Mixed Bag vs Loose Women 8-6

Loose Women: Captain Louise Hobday, Janet Thom, Ele Broom, and Denise Broom

Mixed Bag: Captain Steve Chandler, Mona, Mike Chandler, Chris Thom and John Ayres

Captain Louise’s resurgent Loose Women had Mixed Bag in a knot racing to 5-0 lead. But the defending champions were not finished as they clawed back to an 8-6 win. The legendary John Ayres who had been lackluster for much of the game produced the throw of the match to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. Can’t keep a good legend down

Few Good Men vs Stunts 7-3

Few Good Men: Captain Clive Wallis, Zac Wallis, Stephen Barret and Myvfany Barret

Stunts: Captain James Roan, Stanley, Matt Savage, Danny Skilton and Sumo

Stunts remain the best team in the league not to win the tournament – consistently making it to the semi-finals and falling at the last hurdle. This year they have started poorly falling to Few Good Men today.

Few Good Men on the other hand go from strength to strength. Captain Wallis’s team appear to have found strength through diversity. In his Ark there is a man, a woman and a child. And of course there is Shabaah!. This genie ain’t going back in any bottle. Relentless in his quest for greater diversity Captain Wallis could well toy with the idea of picking his wife’s horse. He may be able to get around the league rules to do this but not sure whether he can get this past his wife.

WrongUns vs Brexiteers 7-4

WrongUns: Captain Adam Harding, James Mans, Sam Moody, Barnaby Heap and Danny Mac

Brexiteers: Geoff Eastwell, Martin Barry, Dave Williams, Steve Eastwell and David Kemp, Steve Garner and Paulo Gernova

In a captainless team, Brexiteers’ David Williams appears to be emerging as the de facto captain of the Brexiteers. As an accomplished dad-dancer and a voice that is 10 decibels louder than any of his team members David is well ahead in the pecking order. In other news, former captain Geoff Eastwell appears to have hit a rich vein of form and played magnificently on the day.

A last-minute hitch saw commentator, Path drafted into the WrongUns team. This was like sending in Henry Blofeld to open batting against Brett Lee – up the crease without a bat. All at sea, he is likely to have come away from this experience with a renewed admiration for the carpet athletes who have to deal with the intense pressure in the bowls cauldron week in week out.

Undate-a-Bowls vs Angry Birds 7-4

Undate-a-Bowls: Captain David Bowers, Scott , John Harry and Deborah-Ann

Angry Birds: Captain Tracey, Zara, Jill, Courtney, Corrine and Louise

With Captain Tracey on an inter-gastro mission with friends, Senior Angry Bird, Corrine was in charge. They were taking on Captain Bower’s Undate-a-Bowls who are yet to find their feet this season although Deborah-Ann has shown amazing improvement from last season. After a tightly fought contest, Angry Birds emerged winners.

Carpet Burners vs Bowling Stones 3-7

Bowling Stones: Captain William Bramble, Jason Travers, Pravin Hirani and Olly Harvey

Carpet Burners: Captain Natalie, Max Walker, David Wakefield and Vic

Captain Natalie’s enterprises, Carpet Burners and Red Onion Café in Ruislip are currently on divergent paths. While Carpet Burners have had a diabolical 0-3 start to the season, Red Onion, ECC’s go to place for wholesome food north of the equator is motoring very nicely indeed. It surely is a matter of time before Captain Natalie inspires the Carpet Burners to make their customary comeback to be contenders again. She has already made a start by adding PR man Guru to the squad. Guru has already set out why they are going to win the 2019 champions. Now to figure out the trivial matter of how.

The new kids on the block, Bowling Stones are fast becoming irritants to the rest of the teams - they keep winning. It is increasingly looking like the name Captain Bramble had previously discarded for the team may be more apt - Irritable Bowls.

Note: The below account of the bowls evening is by Path Rasan. The report sometime uses elasticated facts.

EASTCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS REPORT: WEEK 2 OF 7

Round two of the Eastcote Indoor Bowls tournament turned out to be another swashbuckling affair with many highlights. The next episode is this Friday, the 8^th of February at 8pm at Eastcote Cricket Club

WrongUns vs Carpet Burners 7-1

Carpet Burners: Captain Natalie, Max Walker, David Wakefield and Vic

WrongUns: Captain Adam Harding, James Mans, Sam Moody and Danny Mac

Captain Harding was out on a date this Friday showing once again that the boys of ECC are very popular with girls. He had no worries because he had pretty good cover with hardcore players, Sam Moody, James Mans and Danny Mac available. In recent weeks, Danny Mac has been playing really well mainly due to a leg-brace he has needed to wear. Unfortunately for him, the injury is healing fast. To ensure he keeps playing well his teammates would do well to do the needful to ensure he needs his leg-brace at least till the end of the season.

Today’s match was a one-sided affair as Carpet Burners struggled to put up a fight against this strong WrongUns side eventually losing 7-1.

Undate-a-Bowls vs Few Good Men 3-7

Undate-a-Bowls: Captain David Bowers, Scott , John Harry and Deborah-Ann

Few Good Men: Captain Clive Wallis, Zac Wallis, Stephen Barret and Myvfany Barret

After bidding a tearful farewell to escape to the country last year, power couple Stephen and Myvfany of Few Good Men are back again this year! The escape has been postponed by a year. Those who managed to conjure up some tears at the last farewell will have to repeat the feat this year too. In any case the couple’s return has strengthened the prospects for Few Good Men no end.

Few Good Men were taking on Undate-a-Bowls who have had a poor start, crashing and burning yet again. Fortunately, as for the burning part, the two firemen in their side are available for the next round and are bound to put the flames out.

Angry Birds vs Loose Women 4-7

Angry Birds: Captain Tracey, Zara, Courtney, Corrine and Louise

Loose Women: Captain Louise Hobday, Janet Thom, Ele Broom, and Denise Broom

With demand to play for Angry Birds high, Zara had volunteered to take the bench, no literally, on the side of the hall, half way up. Now that was going to be quite useful because debutant, Tina was having difficulty judging the angle at which to throw the ball in order to compensate for the curvature of the bowling trajectory. Captain Tracey’s advice to Tina was clear and succinct - to aim at Zara’s knees which were exactly in the right location. Fortunately, Tina’s less than perfect execution rendered Zara’s knee intact.

Angry Birds were taking on Loose Women who are beginning to look ominous as they cruised home to victory 7-4.

Stunts vs Bowling Stones 5-7

Bowling Stones: Captain William Bramble, Jason Travers, Pravin Hirani and Olly Harvey

Stunts: Captain James Roan, Stanley, Matt Savage, Danny Skilton, June and Sumo

Old Rockers, Captain Bramble, Jason, Pravin and Olly have ingeniously called their team Rolling Bowls to invoke the energy and the dynamism of Rolling Stones. The talk among the non-fee paying bowls public however appears to be that the team is too coordinated and disciplined to channel the Rolling Stones. They feel a better analogy would be Gladys Knight and the Pips. Whatever the analogy, tonight the Bowling Stones were on song as they beat the fancied Stunts 7-5

Earlier, a bout of unavailability had put Captain Pepper under severe pressure with even the Captain set to miss the evening. He had a fixture clash - Arsenal v ManU and the Bowls Evening. Short on players and under immense time pressure Captain Pepper did what any red-blooded male would do when all else has failed – turn to mummy for help. Fortunately, June a former champion in her own right stepped in to help. Having fixed the problem Captain Pepper could go to watch his favourite football team Arsenal in person, getting thrashed by ManU only to learn that Stunts had also been beaten soundly by the old rockers.

Brexiteers vs Mixed Bag 7-4

Brexiteers: Captain Geoff Eastwell, Martin Barry, Dave Williams, Steve Eastwell and David Kemp, Steve Garner and Paulo Gernova

Mixed Bag: Captain Steve Chandler, Mike Chandler, Chris Thom and John Ayres

Defending champions Mixed Bag were taking on the Brexiteers today. Asked what his tactics were, Captain Chandler had no hesitation. “To turn up” he said. Mixed Bag in no uncertain terms have thrown down the gauntlet not just for today’s opposition but for the entire league.

Mixed Bag were taking on the Brexiteers. Unlike the recent hubris in the media, these Brexiteers have a plan – to win the Mark Fielding Indoor Bowls Trophy. To do this they appear to have taken a unique approach by not appointing a captain. The theory appears to be that a captain, a leader, would emerge to lead them to victory. It did not happen today

Note: The below account of the bowls evening is by Path Rasan. The report sometime uses elasticated facts.

EASCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS REPORT: WEEK 1 OF 7

The Eastcote CC Indoor Bowls tournament got off to an eventful start last Friday. The next exciting round is on this Friday the 25^th of January at 8pm You are invited to join in the fun. If you would like to play, you could approach the respective captains if you know them or alternatively contact Path on rasan@pobox.com. A desire to have a go trumps any previous experience or skill.

TEAM PREVIEW AND NEWS

Carpet Burners: The Eastcote Indoor Bowls Tournament got off to an inauspicious start as word came through late in the day from Captain Natalie that Carpet Burner’s key player Max Walker had been taken ill with something he had picked up in Amsterdam. Usually, things you pick up in Amsterdam will clear up in a few weeks following a dose of penicillin in the buttocks. Unfortunately for Max and Carpet Burners his condition turned out to be bit too trivial. Had the condition been sufficiently life threatening, armed with a medical certificate, Carpet Burners could have had a shot at sharing the points. As it turned out their opponents, Few Good Men, receive full points for the walk-over. This incident illustrates the virtues of maintaining a bigger squad.

Eastcote Pride : After running one of the most successful bowls teams in the tournament from inception, Captain Clouting has taken a sabbatical this year. One of the main reasons was illness to his iconic on-field captain Lee Hutton – easily one the best players in the league, he possesses undoubted tenacity and fighting spirit. And here is wishing that Lee bounces back to his inimitable self soon. Captain Clouting and his Eastcote Pride have contributed immensely to the long running tournament and it is hoped that they will return in style.

Bowling Stones : This is a new team lead by Captain William Bramble. He has the spiel of Mother Theresa but the ambitions of William the Conqueror. It appears Captain Bramble’s short, medium and long-term plans are to win the Mark Fielding Eastcote Indoor Bowls trophy.

Few Good Men : Controversy reigned in a real-life tug of war involving love-child Marc Broom better known as Shabaaah!! in Bowling circles. Marc, one of the best players in the league, has played for Few Good Men as man and boy and later man again. But for this evening only, he had signed up to play for Bowling Stones without the prior knowledge of Captain Wallis of Few Good Men! The sight of Marc preparing to bowl for another team made Captain Wallis see red. It might have even been purple. Losing all control of his bodily and emotional functions Captain Wallis ran onto the hallowed bowls carpet disrupting the game to the gasps of the non-fee-paying bowls spectators. To find a precedence of this magnitude of sporting disruption one would need to go as far back as 1982 when Erica Rowe ran across Twikenham minus her 34FF.

Pig Swill & Trotters : Feeling that their name was too controversial the team has now changed it to a more mundane Brexiteers. It is worth noting it is not the calm and gentle Brexiters but the more buccaneering Brexiteers.

WrongUns : After many years of sterling captaincy, Captain Mans has given way to a new captain. Step forward Captain Harding, a man with a dry sense of humour, so dry that he dishes it out in powder form.

News is now beginning to filter through that Captain Harding’s key player Sam Moody had been approached over the winter to captain a rival team! Sam’s response had been emphatic. He had written “No chance. I will be a WrongUn until the day I die!” No doubt Captain Harding will be heartened to hear this although he must wonder, given Sam’s chosen lifestyle, for exactly how long he is committing.

Undate-a-Bowls: One of the loudest cheers of the evening was when Captain Bowers made spectacular throw to win a point. Undate-a-Bowls lost 1-7.

Mixed Bag: Defending champions Mixed Bag set about the tasks as they usually do – without any fanfare, winning their match comfortably.

Angry Birds: Captain Tracey’s Angry Birds made a promising start but were not able to get the better of defending champions, Mixed Bag. Angry Birds looked happy at the start of the match, during the match and despite defeat, at the end of match. They may want to reconsider their name.

The Stunts: Following an excellent stint as captain, Captain Dunn has stepped down to be replaced by Captain Roan. Over the years Captain James Roan had been known as Roany, Pepper Roany and finally the club has settled on Pepper as his primary name. Eastcote CC is not short of wordsmiths.

As for the match, they came, they played, they conquered.

Loose Women: Captain Louise’s Loose Women have much to play for this season. In Denise, Janet and Ele they have real core strength. Last year they demonstrated that they can take on the best and win. However, today WrongUns were too strong for them.

RESULTS

WrongUns vs Loose Women 7-4

WrongUns: Captain Adam Harding, James Mans, Sam Moody and Danny Mac

Bowling Stones: Captain William Bramble, Jason Travers, Hirani

Angry Birds vs Mixed Bag 4-7

Angry Birds: Captain Tracey, Zara, Courtney, Corrine and Louise

Mixed Bag: Captain Steve Chandler, Mike Chandler, Chris Thom and John Ayres

Undate-a-Bowls vs Mixed Bag 7-1

Undate-a-Bowls: Captain David Bowers, Scott , John Harry and Deborah-Ann

Stunts: Captain James Roan, Stanley, Matt Savage, Danny Skilton and Sumo

Few Good Men vs Carpet Burners 7-0

Few Good Men: Captain Clive Wallis, Zac Wallis,

Carpet Burners: Captain Natalie, Max Walker, David Wakefield and Vic

Brexiteers vs Loose Women 7-4

Brexiteers: Captain Geoff Eastwell, Martin Barry, Dave Williams, Steve Eastwell and David Kemp, Steve Garner and Paulo Gernova

Loose Women: Captain Louise Hobday, Janet Thom, Ele Broom, and Denise Broom

Note: The below account of the bowls evening is by Path Rasan. The report may contain some alternative facts.

2018 EASCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS TOURNAMENT – THE FINALS

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. And so, after numerous attempts at winning the Mark Fielding Eastcote Indoor Bowls trophy, Mixed Bag triumphed last Friday! The team founded by the great Faisal Saleem, captained for many years by Mona finally won the ultimate accolade under the captaincy of resident osteopath Stephen Chandler, demonstrating that, given time, he can manipulate anything into place.

FINALS PREVIEW – 2018 EASCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS TOURNAMENT

After five grueling rounds of bowls, the grand finals for the Mark Fielding Indoor Bowls Trophy will be played on Friday 30^th of March . The competition now moves from a contest of skill to a contest of holding the nerve – the pressure of knowing that the team that puts two winning performances together would be holding the most coveted bowls trophy, certainly in the whole of Eastcote and possibly the world beyond.

2018 EASTCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS TABLE
	Won	Lost	Pts Scored	Pts Conceded	Net Score
Few Good Men	5	0	37	21	16
Stunts	4	1	32	14	18
Mixed Bag	4	1	29	14	15
Carpet Burners	2	3	27	25	2
WrongUns	2	3	30	30	0
Loose Women	2	2	24	27	-3
Undate-a_Bowls	2	3	21	28	-7
Angry Birds	1	3	17	26	-9
Pig Swill & Trotters	1	4	22	36	-14
Pride	1	4	15	33	-18

Few Good Men

Few Good Men: Captain Clive Wallis, Zac Wallis, Stephen Barret and Myvfany Barret

Captain Clive’s Few Good Men have breezed through the competition winning all of their matches. They have hung drawn and quartered their opponents, all with a smile. They have done it in such style that their opponents have even welcomed the treatment! But all that is going to change in the pressurised finals day where any smiles will be only through gritted teeth and any unusual noises cannot be attributed to squeaky shoes.

Carpet Burners

Carpet Burners: Captain Natalie, Max Walker, David Wakefield and Vic

Captain Natalie’s defending champions have qualified by the skin of their teeth and now have all to play for. As for handling pressure, they have covered all bases with the intense David over-my-dead-body Wakefield and Max oh-is-that-the-time Walker. Their trump card however could well be Vic. During the day he may display all the charm and charisma of the Churchill dog with a voice to match but at night he is a bowls player of the highest quality who can change the course of match with a flick of his fingers … literally. He has previously won the tournament with two different teams and may well hold the key to success.

Stunts

Stunts: Captain Will Dunn, Stanley, Danny Skilton and Sumo

With Captain Dunn missing in action, the leadership of the team has been thrust upon the shoulders of veteran, Stanley – the master of reinvention. Over a 50 year career in cricket Stanley started off as an opening batsman, moved to the middle-order, then became a fast bowler followed by medium pace to now an accomplished loopy in-swinging gobbledygook bowler. He has one last reinvention card up his sleeve or should I say down his trousers – to do the needful to qualify to play for the ladies team. Leading Stunts with determination like that, the team has every chance of success on the night.

Mixed Bag

Mixed Bag: Captain Steve Chandler, Mike Chandler, Andrew Sarney and John Ayres

Captain Chandler’s Mixed Bag are quite literally a mixed bag. They have players representing multiple eventualities. On the day they can play some devastating bowls. They have qualified on four previous occasions and failed at the last hurdle. 2018 may well be their year.

Wooden Spoon Contest

The Wooden spoon contest will be between Pride looking to salvage their pride and Pig Swill & Trotters who appear to have decided test the bottom rung on their way to the top.

EASCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS REPORT: WEEK 4 OF 7

BREAKING NEWS: Loose Women on the march after beating WrongUns, details below. The next episode of the action packed 2018 Eastcote Indoor Bowls Tournament is on Friday the 2^nd of March.

2018 EASTCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS TABLE
	Won	Lost	Pts Scored	Pts Conceded	Net Score
Few Good Men	4	0	28	13	15
Mixed Bag	3	1	22	9	13
Stunts	3	1	23	12	11
Carpet Burners	2	2	22	18	4
WrongUns	2	2	22	21	1
Loose Women	2	2	24	27	-3
Angry Birds	1	3	17	26	-9
Pig Swill & Trotters	1	3	17	27	-10
Pride	1	3	13	24	-11
Undate-a-Bowls	1	3	12	23	-11

WrongUns vs Loose Women 8-9

WrongUns: Captain James Mans, Adam Harding, Sam Moody and Danny Mac

Loose Women: Captain Louise Hobday, Janet Thom, Ele Broom, Lisa and Denise Broom

Captain Mans was short of a player for this contest. He had worked through his database of bowls players ranked from “fantabulous” to “dross” and found none could play. Then, a bright idea – what about asking a girl? At the bottom of that list there was someone marked “wifey” – step forward Nicola Mans. So for the first time since inception WrongUns had a woman in their lineup and as it turns out she was their best player! It appears class is temporary and talent is permanent.

It had all started splendidly for WrongUns as they raced to a 7 points lead after two rounds thus extending the game to a 9 point finish. This was all the Loose Women needed as Captain Louise, Janet, Ele and Denise staged the most incredible fight back to win the match 9-8! It was the greatest comeback since the comeback history since the word ‘comeback’ was invented! Loose Women now stand inches away (if you were to measure it on the table) from reaching the finals day to contest for the greatest prize of them all, the Mark Fielding Eastcote Bowls Trophy.

Angry Birds vs Pride 3-7

Angry Birds: Captain Tracey, Zara, Courtney, Corrine and Louise

Pride: Captain John Clouting, Lee Hutton, Andrew Wakeford, Mike Woodbridge and Paul

Both teams came into this match with vastly different trajectories. Angry Birds had pulled off an amazing upset in the earlier round beating defending champions Carpet Burners and past masters, Pride were at the bottom of the table and shorn of any confidence. On the day however Pride outplayed Angry Birds beating them 7-3. The Angry Birds were furious.

Undate-a-Bowls vs Mixed Bag 0-7

Undate-a-Bowls: Captain David Bowers, Scott , John Harry and Deborah-Ann

Mixed Bag: Captain Steve Chandler, Mike Chandler, Andrew Sarney and John Ayres

With top trump John Harry on other maneuvers Undate-a-Bowls were going to be up against it and it proved to be the case. Mixed Bag dominated the game to win 7-0. Mixed Bag had in their midst, a new recruit Andrew Sarney, reportedly the son of an ex-England player of the crown green bowls variety. It transpires he had been there while his Dad was playing for England but only as a twinkle in his eye. Not quite sure how good the view was from there.

Few Good Men vs Pig Swill & Trotters 7-3

Few Good Men: Captain Clive Wallis, Zac Wallis, Stephen Barret and Myvfany Barret

Pig Swill & Trotters: Captain Geoff Eastwell, Martin Barry, Dave Williams, Steve Eastwell and David Kemp

Due to a competing engagement Captain Clive needed to pass on the captain’s arm band to one of his team mates – a tricky decision indeed. Should it be Mr Barret who is currently the best player in the side or Mrs Barret the strategist and the ambition behind the side. Captain Clive’s decision was genius. By giving the captain’s armband to Steven, he was happy and as usual, Myvfany was in charge so she was happy. And the team was happy because they won 7-3.

Pig Swill & Trotters for their part have shown tremendous improvement in their first season and are now beginning to show that they are going to a force in time.

Carpet Burners vs Stunts 7-2

Stunts: Captain Will Dunn, Stanley, Danny Skilton and Sumo

Carpet Burners: Captain Natalie, Max Walker, David Wakefield and Vic

Under normal circumstances this would have been a humdinger of a contest between two of the best sides in the league. Today Stunts were depleted and as an emergency had to draft in Path talk-a-good-game-but-play-like-a-pillock Rasan into the side and he did not disappoint.

With David how-to-look-like-I-don’t-care-while-actually-bricking-it Wakefield playing a tremendous game, Carpet Burners ran away convincing 7-3 winners. The problem with David’s ‘I don’t care’ look means that high fives need to be low fives and fist pumps need to be drastically curtailed and jerky making it look like a condition his GP would need to take a look at.

EASCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS REPORT: WEEK 3 OF 7

BREAKING NEWS: Angry Birds rip up the Carpet … Burners and for the first time in their history Pride are at the bottom of the table. The next fun and action packed episode of the 2018 Eastcote Indoor Bowls Tournament is on Friday the 16th of February.

Teams needing optimism will do well to seek out a QPR fan. They are a select band of people who can find optimism when all else is failing around them. For example, when QPR fan, David Bowers was asked about what was best about his football team he stated that his team “was creeping up to half way mark”. Not only is the glass half full, it is filling up! With ideas like this David would do well to write a self-help book but only after he has helped himself.

2018 EASTCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS TABLE
	Won	Lost	Pts Scored	Pts Conceded	Net Score
Stunts	3	0	21	5	16
Few Good Men	3	0	21	10	11
Mixed Bag	2	1	15	9	6
WrongUns	2	1	14	12	2
Carpet Burners	1	2	15	16	-1
Loose Women	1	2	15	19	-4
Undate-a_Bowls	1	2	12	16	-4
Angry Birds	1	2	14	19	-5
Pig Swill & Trotters	1	2	14	20	-6
Pride	0	3	6	21	-15

Few Good Men vs Mixed Bag 7-1

Few Good Men: Captain Clive Wallis, Zac Wallis, Stephen Barret and Myvfany Barret

Mixed Bag: Captain Steve Chandler, Mike Chandler, Bretton Budgie Bird and John Ayres

A contest thought to be evenly matched ended up with Few Good Men completely outplaying Mixed Bag to win 7-1. While Few Good Men march on, the legality of Captain Clive’s unorthodox bowls technique is becoming a talking point among bowls fans. Rather than bowl the ball, Captain Clive pushes it as you might a toy train - not exactly a winning formula. Opposition players are staying stum about this about this because this is the first time in sporting history where a player has adopted an illegal technique to gain a disadvantage.

Angry Birds vs Carpet Burners 7-5

Angry Birds: Captain Tracey, Zara, Courtney, Corrine and Louise

Carpet Burners: Captain Natalie, Max Walker, David Wakefield and Vic

On paper this was going to be all too predictable – Carpet Burners the defending champions taking on Angry Birds, fluctuating around the bottom of the table. But today, Angry Birds were on the rampage as they demolished the Carpet Burners. If Angry Bird’s Captain Tracey was on fire then Corrine was in the incinerator. With Courtney’s bowls red hot and laugh-a-minute Zara reaching the serious temperature of an over- heated charcoal, Angry Birds notched up an impressive win.

It was as if Carpet Burners never arrived and their game was lack luster. Normally in this position Captain Natalie steps in to save the team. But recovering from a dry January together with adopting a low-carb diet appears to have compromised her fighting spirit. According to her team mate who will remain nameless (Max Walker), it was the addition of the gluten free diet to the mix that tipped her over the edge. According to this theory Captain Natalie may have stop treating her body like a temple and find a lifestyle bordering on debauchery is she wants to rediscover her phenomenal bowls skills.

Undate-a-Bowls vs Loose Women 7-2

Undate-a-Bowls: Captain David Bowers, Scott , John Harry and Deborah-Ann

Loose Women: Captain Louise Hobday, Janet Thom, Ele Broom, Lisa and Denise Broom

In search of bowls talent, Captain David of Undate-a-Bowls had scoured the earth to find Deborah-Ann from America. It has now transpired she is a graduate of Fred Flintstone’s school of bowls – the 10 pin variety (see link below). Now committed to the Indoor Bowls format, Deborah-Ann appears to have already accumulated 2000 hours of the 10,000 of practice required to be a world class player. This may well be a team to watch.

Undate-a-Bowls were taking on Loose Women who have been on the ascendancy. Unfortunately today they were on the descendancy as the lost the match 2-7.

Pig Swill & Trotters vs Stunts 2-7

Pig Swill & Trotters: Captain Geoff Eastwell, Martin Barry, Dave Williams, Steve Eastwell and David Kemp

Stunts: Captain Will Dunn, Stanley, Danny Skilton and Sumo

Impact player Danny Skilton has been complaining about a back ache. His contention is that he had been carrying his team in the last round. No doubt he will be giving his team plenty of opportunity to repay their debt of gratitude by carrying his home from a hostelry of choice in the near future.

Today Stunts put in an excellent team performance to beat Pig Swill & Trotters 7-2. Pig Swill & Trotters, making their debut this year are beginning to show strong signs of improvement.

WrongUns vs Pride 7-2

Pride: Captain John Clouting, Lee Hutton, Andrew Wakeford, Mike Woodbridge and Paul

WrongUns: Captain James Mans, Adam Harding, Sam Moody and Danny Mac

Captain Clouting has a problem. Over the many years Pride have been playing premier league bowls they have been champions multiple times. And as past champions they know how to win. The problem is it has been a while and they can’t remember. Even a meeting to discuss strategy did not go well as they forgot to attend.

To make matters worse today they met formidable opponents WrongUns. Busy trying to recollect how to win they were bundled out 2-7.

EASCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS REPORT: WEEK 2 OF 7

It was yet another exhilarated evening at Eastcote CC last Friday as the competition ratcheted up a notch and the repartee around it, two notches. Bowls fans took the opportunity to catch up with friends at the Club while watching some intense competition pan out for the magnificent Mark Fielding Trophy. The next enthralling episode will be played out on Friday the 2^nd of February.

The parlous state of gender equality as represented by the all-men Presidents Ball at the Dorchester during the week stands in stark contrast to that in the world of Eastcote CC Indoor Bowls. For example over the years, the all-women teams previously called the Calendar Girls have now evolved into a more demanding Angry Birds and the Glamour Girls have now emerged into the very assertive Loose Women. Equality is the byword in Eastcote. Unlike at the Dorchester, an Eastcote Presidents Ball is likely to see everyone in frilly knickers.

2018 EASTCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS TABLE
	Won	Lost	Pts Scored	Pts Conceded	Net Score
Mixed Bag	2	0	14	2	12
Stunts	2	0	14	3	11
Few Good Men	2	0	14	9	5
Loose Women	1	1	13	12	1
Carpet Burners	1	1	10	9	1
Pig Swill & Trotters	1	1	12	13	-1
WrongUns	1	1	7	10	-3
Angry Birds	0	2	7	14	-7
Undate-a_Bowls	0	2	5	14	-9
Pride	0	2	4	14	-10

Angry Birds vs Stunts 1-7

Angry Birds: Captain Tracey, Zara, Courtney and Louise

Stunts: Captain Will Dunn, Stanley, Danny Skilton and Sumo

This was always going to be tough match for Angry Birds against the formidable Stunts and it proved to be the case. Despite a brave attempt by Captain Tracey’s team, Stunts prevailed.

Loose Women vs Pig Swill & Trotters 7-5

Loose Women: Captain Louise Hobday, Janet Thom, Ele Broom, Lisa and Denise Broom

Pig Swill & Trotters: Captain Geoff Eastwell, Martin Barry, Dave Williams, Steve Eastwell and David Kemp

Captain Geoff has an interesting nickname. Those who bestowed the nickname were kind enough to give him a first name, Pig and a surname, Swill. Ever since then Captain Geoff has been wearing it proudly … all over him by some accounts. So it follows that the team he would put together would be called Pig Swill & Trotters in the same vein as say Gladys Knight and the Pips.

With a new team comes new ideas, and Pig Swill & Trotters is no exception. Step forward David Williams the dancing bowls player – the closest thing to Fred Astaire with a dodgy knee at the Club. Just like the trigger movement for batsmen, David’s trigger movement before a bowls delivery is a shimmy or a pirouette. Base on today’s performance it is clear that if this was a dad dancing competition David would win hands down. But bowls … the jury is still out.

Today Pig Swill & Trotters took on Loose Women, a team that is on the ascendancy. A hard fought contest eventually saw the Loose Women prevail as winners.

Few Good Men vs Undate-a-Bowls 7-3

Few Good Men: Captain Clive Wallis, Zac Wallis, Stephen Barret and Myvfany Barret

Undate-a-Bowls: Captain David Bowers, Scott , John Harry and Deborah-Ann

Undate-a-Bowls continue to ring the changes as they seek to transform their fortunes. In pursuit of finding his position of competence, founder member David Bowers has moved from captain, to player to now Director of Bowls. There appears to be a consensus building for his ideal role - team Mascot.

Undate-a-Bowls started well and put tremendous pressure on Few Good Men. Yet again from the jaw of defeat, Stephen Barret of Few Good Men pulled off a magical throw to snatch victory. With his undoubted Houdini type skills a career as an escapologist is looming.

Carpet Burners vs WrongUns 3-7

Carpet Burners: Captain Natalie, Max Walker, David Wakefield and Vic

WrongUns: Captain James Mans, Adam Harding, Sam Moody and Danny Mac

Captain Mans likes to take many things lying down but not a defeat. After the 7-0 thrashing in the first round, he had brought in the big guns like Will Bramble, Danny Mac and Sam Moody to the team. After a sizable absence Sam has returned completely transformed – thoughtful, reflective and unflappable. It is as if he has swapped his mentor of a lifetime from Stanley to the Dalai Lama.

This match was the equivalent to the premier league Manchester derby between United vs City. Two well matched and impressive teams fighting it out for supremacy. The match at times resembled a game of Chess as strategy outdid strategy. Suddenly the tone of the game changed as WrongUns nonchalantly brushed aside defending champions Carpet Burners to win 7-3

Mixed Bag vs Pride 7-2

Mixed Bag: Captain Steve Chandler, Mike Chandler, Bretton Budgie Bird and John Ayres

Pride: Captain John Clouting, Lee Hutton, Andrew Wakeford, Mike Woodbridge and Paul

Mixed Bag have made a brilliant start and are now top of the points table. Leading from the front, Captain Steve Chandler appears to have got his team working in complete harmony.

Today Mixed Bag were taking on Pride who appear to have lost confidence to such an extent that on-field captain Lee was considering drafting in their number one fan and bowls novice, Sandy. But Sandy appears to have told them that she does admire the team but only from a distance. And so at distance Sandy saw Pride lose 2-7 to Mixed Bag. Perhaps she likes them best this way.

EASCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS REPORT: WEEK 1

The Eastcote Indoor Bowls Tournament got off to a flying start on Friday with 10 teams vying for the magnificent Mark Fielding Trophy. The joviality of the occasion belied the underlying intensity of the competition. The next enthralling episode will be played out on Friday the 19th January.

Few Good Men vs Loose Women 7-6

Loose Women: Captain Louise Hobday, Janet Thom, Ele Broom and Denise Broom

Few Good Men: Captain Clive Wallis, Zac Wallis, Stephen Barret and Myvfany Barret

The Loose Women appear to have hit the ground running this season and had former champions, Few Good Men at their mercy at 6-5. But a remarkable last gasp throw by Stephen Barret saw the Few Good Men win by a whisker.

Captain Louise of the serial Wooden Spoon winners, Loose Women was ecstatic to learn that a close finish on the losing side would mean that the team would not be at the bottom of the points table after week 1 – the wonders of having low expectations. On the back of today’s performance however, expectations are bound to rise.

Carpet Burners vs Mixed Bag 7-2

Carpet Burners: Captain Natalie, Max Walker, David Wakefield and Vic

Pride: Captain John Clouting, Lee Hutton, Andrew Wakeford, Mike Woodbridge and Paul

Solidarity appears to be the byword for Captain Clouting’s Pride this year as each of the team turned up with a beard! Some of the beards could be best described by defining what is not a beard - beards at the edge of their existence. Nevertheless, the strategy appeared to have paid off as Pride came out fighting as a team against the defending champions Carpet Burners. At 2-2 any outcome looked possible. However, the tenor of the game changed as Carpet Burners raise their game to end up runaway 7-2 winners. On today’s performance, Carpet Burners appear to be favourites to retain their title.

With three of the biggest men in bowls playing for the Carpet Burners, a bowls fan noted that the team have the echoes of Little Red Riding Hood and the three bears. Except of course, the baby bear now appears to be well past its puberty and mummy bear almost certainly on steroids.

Angry Birds vs Name is Pending 6-7

Angry Birds: Captain Tracey, Zara, Courtney and Louise

Pig Swill & Trotters: Captain Geoff Eastwell, Martin Barry, Dave Williams, Steve Eastwell and David Kemp

So, there is a new team on the block and they would like to call themselves Pig Swill & Trotters. Why you may ask. All will be revealed in the next report. Name apart their enthusiasm appears to know no bounds. If enthusiasm was all you needed to win the Bowls Tournament then they will certainly be champions this year. Alas it is not that simple.

PST were taking on Angry Birds, who are not looking so Angry these days with laugh-a-minute Zara in their side. But their bowls certainly looks menacing as they fought all the way only to finally succumbed to a 6-7 defeat. This appears to be a team to watch for 2018.

Undate-a-bowls vs Stunts 7-2

Stunts: Captain Will Dunn, Stanley, Matt Savage and Callum Hutchison

Undate-a-Bowls: Captain David Bowers, Scott , John Harry and

After an off-season rethink, Stanley Bowls have now changed their name to a modest Undate-a-Bowls. Today they took on Stunts who have promised a lot over the years but delivered little. Today Stunts delivered as they thrashed Undate-a-Bowls 7 -2. With results like this everyone would want a date with the Undate-a-Bowls.

WrongUns vs Mixed Bag 7-0

Mixed Bag: Captain Steve Chandler, Mike Chandler, Bretton Budgie Bird and John Ayres

WrongUns: Captain James Mans, Adam Harding, Greg and JJ

One of the Championship favourites WrongUns crashed to a 7-0 defeat to Mixed Bag tonight. The only consolation is that they have been here before.

Mixed Bag’s legendary John Ayres had turned up at 7:30 to psych himself up for a 10 a clock match. Steadily warming up over the course of the evening, the 1945 Best Newcomer to indoor bowls was red hot as his game started at 10pm. With the whole team playing some scintillating bowls the game was over in a moment with a 7-0 win and John Ayres unspent and still sizzling. Fortunately his wife Pat was there in time take him home and douse him down.

Note: The below account of the bowls evening is by Path Rasan. The report may contain some alternative facts.

EASCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS REPORT: FINALS

BREAKING NEWS: Carpet Burners clinch the 2017 Eastcote CC Mark Fielding Indoor Bowls Trophy! A team formed a few years ago over a beer by four ordinary people (2 presumed vegans, one who looks like a vegan and one who looks like he has eaten a vegan) now stand as superstars at the pinnacle of the indoor bowls world in Eastcote, because they dared to dream!

Earlier, in the semi-finals, Carpet Burners had steamrollered Mixed Bag. Legendary John Ayres had turned up with a big plaster on his head after dropping a scaffold pole on his head. That could not possibly explain why the rest of his team played as if a scaffold pole had been on dropped on each of their heads too. Apart from a flash of brilliance from Harpal which could otherwise be categorised a fluke, the Mixed Bag performance was not sufficient to stop Carpet Burners sweeping the floor (or carpet) to win comfortably.

The second semi-finals between Pride and Few Good Men saw the latter triumph after an epic battle. Pride gave it their best shot. These past champions know the importance of commitment and the desire to win and they demonstrated those traits in spades. In a losing cause they showed once again the power of the Bulldog Spirit and the Union Jack underpants.

The grand final matched up to expectations as defending champions Few Good Men and Carpet Burners battled it out as if there was no tomorrow. Had the match been a 7 point affair, Few Good Men would have won. But the finals was to an extended 9 points giving Carpet Burners the opportunity to make a spectacular comeback from 5-8 down to snatch the trophy when all had looked lost.

Captain Wallis of Few Good Men, the defending champions, was gracious in defeat. Teammate Myvfany, the glue that binds the team, followed up with “We will be back”. OK, so this was said with a smile but the spectre of the Terminator was not far behind.

Wooden Spoon

The ornate Jim Fairbrother Wooden Spoon is an attractive consolation prize indeed. It appears that Angry Birds were so keen to win it they offered a walkover and thereby secured the wooden spoon. The fixture was instead played by Loose Women and Stanley Bowlers, a match that had all the hallmarks of an exhibition of bowls.

And in other news …

Bowling fans have been reporting that Doug Maxted has been making a good impression of King Kong coming to class. In his presence, furniture somehow appears slightly miniaturised and rules of engagement anomalous. After a successful winter, it appears that Doug is ready of a second year of sponsored weight loss. This perpetual weight loser is a dream come true for Eastcote CC’s finances if not for any charity.

Legendary John Ayres met with the scaffold pole accident while building a cage for his cabbages! You could understand it for runner beans but cabbages? Surely this must be a salutary lesson for those pushing for GM vegetables.

And finally, the end of the Eastcote CC bowls tournament heralds the beginning of the cricket season. Eastcote fans appear to be gearing up for what promises to be another exciting year of Colts and Senior cricket. Like the NHS, the cricket is free at the point of delivery. Unlike the NHS, this is one place you would rather be to be immersed in some exciting cricket with family and friends. Come on Eastcote!!

CHAMPIONS

Carpet Burners: Captain Natalie, Max Walker, David Wakefield and Vic

RUNNERS UP

Few Good Men: Captain Clive Wallis, Zac Wallis, Myvfany Barret, Stephen Barret and Marc Broom

SEMI-FINALISTS

Pride: Captain John Clouting, Lee Hutton, Paul, Doug Maxted, Peter Tilsed and Mike Woodbridge

Mixed Bag: Captain Steve Chandler, Mike Chandler, Bretton Budgie Bird, John Ayres and Harpal Sagoo

EASCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS REPORT: WEEK 5

The enthralling Eastcote CC Indoor Bowls Tournament enters its final round this Friday the 24^th of March giving teams the last opportunity to book a place in the all-important finals day. Bowls is a game of skill but the ability to handle pressure is now taking center stage.

2017 EASTCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS TABLE
	Won	Lost	Pts Scored	Pts Conceded	Net Score
Carpet Burners	4	1	31	21	10
Few Good Men	4	1	30	22	8
Bowl Movements	3	2	27	18	9
WrongUns	3	2	28	24	4
Stunts	3	2	26	24	2
Mixed Bag	3	2	26	26	0
Pride	3	2	23	31	-8
Glamour Girls	2	3	32	24	8
Stanley Bowlers	1	4	22	34	-12
Angry Birds	0	5	14	35	-21

Few Good Men vs Bowl Movements 2-7

Few Good Men: Captain Clive Wallis, Zac Wallis, Stephen Barret and Marc Broom

Bowl Movements: Captain Chris Thom, Ben Facey, Danny Mac and Phil Macarthur

And so, the unthinkable happened! Just when Few Good Men were looking unassailable, Bowl Movements turned on the heat to thrash them 7-2. Suddenly the competition is looking wide open again. Debutants, Bowl Movements now look to be on the verge of qualifying for the finals.

Angry vs Mixed Bag 2-7

Mixed Bag: Captain Steve Chandler, Mike Chandler, Bretton Budgie Bird and John Ayres

Angry Birds: Captain Tracey, Zara, Courtney and Louise

Angry Birds had been on an excellent trajectory early in the season showing improvement week on week. However, recently some results have not gone their way. Approached at the start of the game, Zara was clear and to the point “Yes we have been on a nice trajectory but now it has become a tragic-tory” she said. Zara was prescient indeed!

Carpet Burners vs WrongUns 7-6

WrongUns: Captain James Mans, Sam Moody, Adam Harding and Will Bramble

Carpet Burners: Captain Natalie, Max Walker, David Wakefield and Vic

The return of Sam Moody and Phil Smith to the fold has contributed to an improvement in WrongUns’s recent performances. Given the importance of today’s match, Adam Hardon had been drafted in despite being on his crutches with one of his legs out of action. For a man who is operational when legless around the bar, Adam appeared infinitely advantaged with the use of just one leg.

WrongUns were up against a rejuvenated Carpet Burners with Vic in particular finding his form. His fine performance yet again showed the value of being endowed with amazingly sensitive hands, the benefit of which he has discovered late in life.

It illustrates the cruelty of society’s gender bias which channels anyone built like a brick-shithouse into macho sports like rugby. In a utopian world Vic may well have been channeled into needlework for example - a move that may well have resulted in him being the greatest exponent of say the Cross-Stitch today. What a drain on the rugby world and what a loss to the world of sewing. Sad!

The match itself saw one of the greatest comebacks with WrongUns clawing their way from a 6-0 deficit to 6-6. Just when it looked like the match might eclipse Barcelona FCs greatest comeback, Carpet Burners executed a great round to clinch the match 7-6.

Stunts vs Pride 7-4

Stunts: Captain Will Dunn, Stanley, Sumo and Chris James

Pride: Captain John Clouting, Lee Hutton, Doug Maxted, Peter Tilsed and Mike Woodbridge

Captain Will Dunn took a leaf out of a book Jeremy Corbyn is yet to read and stepped down for this vital match to allow his in-form players to take on Pride. This was a competitive match and Captain Lee’s desire to win appears to know no bounds…

Stanley Bowlers vs Loose Women 1-9

Loose Women: Captain Louise Hobday, Janet Thom, Gill Maxted and Denise Broom

Stanley Bowlers: Captain David Bowers, Doug Reeves, Jenny, Scott and John Harry

The Loose Women were all over Stanley Bowlers today beating them 9-1. In doing so they appear to have done enough to avoid the wooden spoon contest on finals day.

In other news …

Charlie Hobday has changed his shoes after finding the extraordinarily bright orange pair he was wearing could only make sense if he was exposed to an inordinate amount of radiation

After previously making a weekend visit to China, Stunts playmaker Sumo is now planning to make a visit to Thailand and 5 other Asian countries. This will no doubt give him the time and the opportunity to lay back and reminisce about his wonderful time he has had Eastcote CC while having a foot masseur walk all over his vitals.

Following the freak flying stray bowling ball incident in the previous round, Eastcote CC’s number one fan was not taking any chances this week.

EASCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS REPORT: WEEK 4

A dramatic set of matches in the 4^th round only served to intensify the competition for the Mark Fielding Indoor Bowls Trophy. Seven teams now appear to be in contention to qualify for the final four and they have two more rounds to do it. The next enthralling round of bowls is this Friday the 10^th of March.

Stanley Bowlers vs Bowl Movements 7-4

Stanley Bowlers: Captain David Bowers, Doug Reeves, Jenny, Scott and John Harry

Bowl Movements: Captain Chris Thom, Ben Facey, Danny Mac and Phil Macarthur

Bowl Movements made the early running to take the lead and then to lay out their best efforts on the carpet for what appeared to be a winning position. A smash throw from Scott of Stanley Bowlers saw the match situation transformed, a position from which Stanley Bowlers went on to claim their first win.

The unintended consequences of that smash saw one of the balls ricochet and take off directly towards none other than Eastcote CC’s number one fan, Jim Fairbrother. This veteran is also a former hard nut, post helmet, Lancashire League player. He knew exactly how to sway away from the ball and see the ball sail past safely.

After their first win, Stanley Bowlers’ recent recruit, Jenny felt the team name should inspire greater optimism than that reflected by the current association with QPR. She feels a name like Undateables would better reflect the ambitions of the team.

Angry vs Loose Women 2-7

Loose Women: Captain Louise Hobday, Janet Thom, Ele Broom and Denise Broom

Angry Birds: Captain Tracey, Zara, Courtney and Louise

As usual, this all-girls contest turned out to be exciting, competitive, sensual (perhaps only in the eye of the beholder), intense and civil. To cap it all at the end of the match, hugs and kisses. This is surely the shape of thing to come in a world that is bound to be dominated by women. As for the present, the Loose Women and Angry Birds captained by Louise and Tracey respectively have added immensely to the competition.

Few Good Men vs Stunts 7-2

Few Good Men: Captain Clive Wallis, Zac Wallis, Stephen Barret and Marc Broom

Stunts: Captain Will Dunn, Stanley, Sumo and Chris James

Today Few Good Men demolished the highly fancied Stunts 7-2. The rise and rise of Few Good Men has been stunning. The secret to their success appears to be the diversity of the constituency they represent. Representing men (Stephen), women (Myvfany), children (Zac) and the world (Marc). They may even have representation for the world of alternative lifestyles too. What frilly garments Captain Wallis may or may not wear under his trousers is nobody’s business. Whatever the case, this team has so for dealt with everything that has been thrown at them and remains the favourites to win the trophy.

Carpet Burners vs Mixed Bag 7-0

Mixed Bag: Captain Steve Chandler, Mike Chandler, Bretton Budgie Bird and John Ayres

Carpet Burners: Captain Natalie, Max Walker, David Wakefield and Vic

The Carpet Burners were thought to have been spotted at the recent Brits awards. Then again it could have been Katy Perry surrounded by three burly bodyguards. Whatever the case, they were in fine form today with an especially scintillating performance by Captain Natalie as they rolled over Mixed Bag 7-0.

Two weeks ago mathematics wizard Bretton Budgie Bird pointed out that the points table was in error because it had been ranked only by matches won and net score. He pointed out that had it also been ranked by points won, Mixed Bag would be one position higher. As it turns out after the thrashing today, using the new method, Mixed Bag are now three positions lower. Bit of a bummer that.

WrongUns vs Pride 9-0

WrongUns: Captain James Mans, Sam Moody, Adam Harding and Will Bramble

Pride: Captain John Clouting, Lee Hutton, Doug Maxted, Peter Tilsed and Mike Woodbridge

This was a contest between two well matched sides. However, coming off a two game drubbing, WrongUns took off from the word go to reach 7-0 in three rounds triggering a rule designed to protect teams that need more time to prove their metal (the rule extends the game to 9 points). In a further round, WrongUns reached 9-0 proving beyond any doubt that Pride genuinely deserved the thrashing.

James Mans appears to have had his analytics team working on the strategies to win the tournament. Behind the mask of apparent emptiness there appears to lies a man of immense sophistication. He appears to have worked out the cross-correlation of how other teams’ performances will affect the outcome. While everyone is playing bowls, Captain Mans is playing chess. This is going to be interesting indeed.

EASCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS REPORT: WEEK 2 & 3

Eastcote Indoor Bowls super week saw two rounds played in consecutive weeks leading to a dramatic change to the leaderboard. The race to qualify for the finals day just heated up as teams clamour to qualify for the finals day. The next round is set to be played this Friday the 24^th of February.

Stanley Bowlers vs Stunts 6-7

Stanley Bowlers: Captain David Bowers, Doug Reeves, Jenny, Scott and John Harry

Stunts: Captain Will Dunn, Stanley and Danny Skilton, Harpal Sagoo and Philip Bell

Having entered his team into the premier league of Indoor Bowls, David Bowers has had the competence to realise that he has reached his level of incompetence. To make up for his limited bowls skills he has brought in bowls superstar, Doug Reeves, a 27 year veteran and champion bowls player with hair and a complementary beard Kenny Rogers would die for. David has also made some inspired choices by throwing in talented bowls novices like Jenny and Scott. These fearless warriors play an entertaining brand of bowls and are a team to watch for the future.

Stunts Captain Will Dunn introduced two new players today in the guise of Eastcote first team captain Harpal Sagoo and top all-rounder Philip Bell. Having batted under pressure they certainly knew how to how to absorb the inevitable pressure bowls presents. The player who transformed their fortunes with some fine display of bowls today however, was the evergreen Stanley. This Duracell Bunny shows no sign of aging and still does not look a day over 80 years.

Carpet Burners vs Glamour Girls 7-4

Carpet Burners: Captain Natalie, Max Walker, David Wakefield and Vic

Glamour Girls: Captain Louise Hobday, Janet Thom, Ele Broom and Denise Broom

There had been a smell of something burning around the Carpet Burners bowls matches recently. And today it soon became clear as David Wakefield’s blew a gasket again. Caring too much appears to be affecting David’s game. In contrast, there is teammate Max who is so laid back that he risks getting bed sores. Captain Natalie could do well to take the chill pills off Max and hand it to David. She could end up with two players at their optimal.

Today the Carpet Burners were taking on Glamour Girls who are going through a process of self-examination, introspection even. They don’t believe the term Glamour Girls entirely captures who they are anymore. “Loose Women” they believe describes them better. After all Loose Women are Glamour Girls who are assertive. For example, a traditional Glamour Girl might have said “Oh look I am so pretty” while today a Loose Woman may put it differently. “I am beautiful and you look sh*t.” Increasingly the Glamour Girls have been evolving into the strident, have-it-all Loose Women and this is beginning to show in their improved performances.

Few Good Men vs Angry Birds 7-5

Angry Birds: Captain Tracey, Zara, Courtney and Louise

Few Good Men: Captain Clive Wallis, Zac Wallis, Stephen Barret and Marc Broom

Captain Wallis who was unavailable for this Friday’s match had given clear instructions to his most important lieutenant, Stephen. It was simple and to the point. “Don’t Lose”. The Angry Birds had other ideas as they played some fantastic bowls to be at the brink of victory at 5-5. But with the last throw Marc Broom pulled off an amazing win for the Few Good Men. Stephen could now put away his “My dog ate my bowling balls” type excuses.

Pride vs Mixed Bag 7-5

Mixed Bag: Captain Steve Chandler, Mike Chandler, Bretton Budgie Bird and John Ayres

Pride: Captain John Clouting, Lee Hutton, Doug Maxted, Peter Tilsed and Mike Woodbridge

This was a contest between two unbeaten teams for the top spot. This was yet another close match that Pride won to maintain a clean sheet.

WrongUns vs Bowl Movements 1-7

Bowl Movements: Captain Chris Thom, Ben Facey, Danny Mac and Phil Macarthur

WrongUns: Captain James Mans, Sam Moody, Adam Harding and Will Bramble

Bowl Movements made a splash today beating WrongUns convincingly. After being the title favourites at the start of the tournament, WrongUns have crashed and burned losing two matches in a row. Adam Harding had no doubts. “When fans have high expectations we fail but if people think we can’t do it, we win” he said. WrongUns are rubbish at bowls and have no chance of ever winning a match again. Hope that helps.

EASCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS REPORT: WEEK 1 of 6

The Eastcote CC Indoor Bowls Tournament got off to a flying start on Friday. Every season, like Strictly Come Dancing, the performances get better week on week. But this year, teams appear to have hit the ground running with some exceptional performances.

These indoor gladiators are in action this Friday the 3^rd of February. It is a spectacle well worth watching. The dates for the rest of the contests are set out below:

Bowls Fixture Dates

Friday 10 Feb 2017

Friday 24 Feb 2017

Friday 10 Mar 2017

Friday 24 Mar 2017

Friday 7 Apr 2017

Bowl Movements vs Angry Birds 7-1

Angry Birds: Captain Tracey, Zara, Courtney and Louise

Bowl Movements: Captain Chris Thom, Ben Facey, Danny Mac and Phil Macarthur

Tracy’s Angry Birds is called as such presumably because of the model like sullen looks maintained by this all girls team. But this may all have to change now with laugh-a-minute Zara returning to the fold. With Zara’s jokes flying around, it is proving to be difficult to maintain that smoldering look. Fortunately by the end of the evening the Angry birds could return to their original look again – they had been trashed 7-1 by Bowl Movements.

Bowl Movements made a grand entry on the carpet only like Bowl Movements can. This new team is captained by left arm swing bowler and proficient bowls player, Chris Thom. The team consists of some fine players including last year’s Peoples Champion Ben Fasey who won the individuals competition. Their demolition of the Angry Birds shows that they have the potential to dump all over their opposition this year.

Glamour Girls vs Mixed Bag 6-7

Mixed Bag: Captain Steve Chandler, Mike Chandler, Bretton Budgie Bird and John Ayres

Glamour Girls: Captain Louise Hobday, Janet Thom, Lyn Stevens and Denise Broom

With Captain Mona of Mixed Bag taking a sabbatical this year, the team needed a replacement. But how do you replace the ever so eclectic Mona? Step forward Bretton Budgie Bird the one man fashion wave. With many hours of misspent youth under his belt, Budgie is an experienced bowls player and a real find for Mixed Bag. Captained by the resident Osteopath Steve Chandler and including the legendary John Ayres and the evergreen Mike Chandler this team is one to watch this year.

After many months of the enjoying the scent of let’s say competition at the Club, the Club today was bathed in a fragrant aroma. Captain Louise’s Glamour Girls were in the building! This year they appear to have a steely sense of purpose – the need for silverware. They made a great effort today but missed what could have been a memorable win by a whisker losing 6-7.

Pride vs Stanley Bowlers 7-4

Pride: Captain John Clouting, Lee Hutton, Doug Maxted, Peter Tilsed and Mike Woodbridge

Stanley Bowlers: Captain David Bowers, Doug Reeves, Jenny Reeves and Lord Roy Gubby

For many years Captain Clouting and his excellent men have been on a voyage conquering a series of championship trophies. But that has all been in the past. Recently, they have been sailing in much choppier waters and their magic appears to have deserted them. These days it appears that it is less about weaving their magic and more about heaving over the side. But now the rejuvenated Pride are making it known that they are feeling the thrill of the competition in their loins. One hopes they are not misreading symptoms that require some medical attention.

Today Pride took on a new entrant to the competition. West End of Eastcote actor, David Bowers has entered a team in the honour of his great hero, Stanley Bowles of England and QPR. With a Shakespearean panache he has called his team Stanley Bowlers. David has high hopes for his team but is well prepared to take the bitter disappointment of failure - after all he is a lifelong supporter of QPR.

Carpet Burners vs Few Good Men 3-7

Carpet Burners: Acting Captain Billie, Max Walker, David Wakefield and Vic

Few Good Men: Captain Clive Wallis, Zac Wallis, Ian Moore and Marc Broom

Captain Wallis’s Few Good Men and defending champions started the season with an impressive win against Carpet Burners. This well balanced side has every reason to believe that they can repeat their amazing feat of last year. Carpet Burners on the other hand have the potential but are still to demonstrate that they will be in the mix at the end of the season.

Stunts vs WrongUns 3-7

Stunts: Captain Will Dunn, Stanley, Matt Savage and Danny Skilton

WrongUns: Captain James Mans, Sam Moody, Adam Harding and Will Bramble

Two of the favourites for the title were pitted against each other on day one. Going by the exuberance and a round of high fives even before the match had started Captain Will Dunn’s Stunts would have been expected to waltz through to an easy win. But it was master strategist James Mann’s WronUns who pulled off an excellent display of bowls to dispatch the Stunts to a 7-3 defeat. This story has legs.

Final Week of 2016 Season

Note: The below account of the bowls evening is by Path Rasan. The report may contain some imaginary facts.

FEW GOOD MEN ARE THE 2016 EASTCOTE INDOOR BOWLS CHAMPIONS!

The Eastcote Indoor Bowls tournament came to a brilliant climax on Friday as the Few Good Men won the Mark Fielding Indoor Bowls Trophy. Captain Wallis and his team absorbed the pressure of the day superbly to beat Mixed Bag 9-7 in the finals. Asked how he handled the pressure, 10 year old Zac Wallis asked, “What is pressure?” and later added “Is that when you are happy?” No son that is pleasure you are thinking of. Pressure is something that you pile on yourself when you grow up and pleasure is what only other people seem to have.

2016 Indoor Bowls Champions – Few Good Men (‘Men’ used in a metaphorical context and stands for man, woman, child and one day, even a clever animal.)

The runners up, Mixed Bag yet again missed out on claiming the ultimate prize at the final hurdle. With Captain Mona away on a charitable assignment, acting Captain Steve Chandler had drafted in none other than Ben Facey, the two time Killer Bowls champion into the side. That, together with the entire team raising their game for the occasion, Mixed Bag surprised the bowls world by beating the overwhelming favourites, The Stunts to get to the final.

The Stunts’ passage to the finals was impeccable as they dominated the early rounds with ease. They appear to have much in common with England’s national teams – promising much and delivering nothing. Captain Dunn and his team will have to evaluate why they are yet to convert their undoubted talent to win the tournament. Fearless bowls perhaps.

The WrongUns too promised much but on the day failed to deliver and were knocked out by the eventual champions, the Few Good Men. WrongUn’s acting captain Sam Moody had previously predicted that they would have their name plastered all over the trophy. On today’s performance they would need to break-in and enter the Club to achieve that feat.

Captain Louise of the Glamour Girls has won so many wooden spoons that she could now consider getting a wood burner. Today, the Glamour Girls battled against the Angry Birds to successfully avoid the Wooden Spoon. The ignominy of coming bottom for the Angry Birds was more than compensated with the magnificent Wooden Spoon trophy donated by Eastcote’s number one fan Jim Fairbrother, a trophy which Captain Tracey accepted gracefully.

The two teams to miss out on the finals day had differing experiences. Carpet Burners led admirably by Captain Natalie must be wondering how you could produce such wonderful displays of bowls and still not qualify. Their post mortem will probably reveal that it is not always what you deliver but when you deliver it.

Given the high standards Captain Clouting’s Pride had set over the years, their performance this year was poor. They find themselves with a name that conjures up an image that does not quite match with today’s reality – like for example if Stanley had been christened Joy.

The end of the bowls season fires the starting gun for the cricket season! With the competitive juices flowing, everyone appears ready for the real challenge ahead. Come on Eastcote!!

EASCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS REPORT: WEEK 6

BREAKING NEWS: Mixed Bag edge out Carpet Burners to reach the finals! The last round of Eastcote Bowls tournament was a nervy affair as the contenders for the finals were eventually established. On Friday the 1^st of April four of the top teams will meet to decide the ultimate winner of the Mark Fielding Eastcote Indoor Bowls trophy.

Sports at the highest level is said to be 50% ability and 50% mental approach and so it has been the case with the bowls in this tournament. However, in the finals, the contribution from mental approach invariably shoots up to more like 70% or 80%. After all, execution is challenging, faced with a combination of sweaty palms, butterflies in the stomach and a squeaky bum. Every throw in this final is going to be like bowling the last ball at the death defending one run to win the World Cup. Winning the Eastcote Bowls Trophy is to emerge as the ultimate team that has the touch of Don Juan and the nerves of steel of … Steve Waugh.

The Wooden Spoon to determine the most resilient team will be contested by the Angry Birds and Glamour Girls. The inventor of Teflon must surely be scratching his head and wondering how those so beautiful and seemingly delicate be so resilient.

2016 EASTCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS TABLE
	Won	Lost	Pts Scored	Pts Conceded	Net Score
Stunts	6	0	54	17	37
WrongUns	4	2	41	32	9
Few Good Men	4	2	42	42	0
Mixed Bag	3	3	42	39	3
Carpet Burners	3	3	37	36	1
Pride	2	4	37	44	-7
Glamour Girls	1	5	34	52	-18
Angry Birds	1	5	26	51	-25

Team Review:

Stunts

Not only has Captain Will “the voice” Dunn lead his team on an unprecedented winning streak, he has also broadcast it to the nation unaided. Captain Dunn does not hold back on utilising the strongest muscle in his body - his vocal chords, to full effect. Captain Dunn leads a talented team consisting of the impact player Danny Skilton, the talented Mr Savage, the evergreen Stanley and super sub John Harry. The Stunts have momentum on their side but also the suffer burden of being the favourites lift the trophy.

WrongUns

Captain James Mans has assembled a team that is capable of playing some exciting bowls. There is Adam Harding for example from the Crown Prosecution Service. So far he has established that he can certainly prosecute himself out of a paper bag. Then there is the long suffering Spurs fan Sam Moody whose only chance of winning a trophy this year remains in the Indoor Bowls arena. Welshman and West Country cricket legend, Greg Fury has now moved inshore to London. With his diet moving from white fish to red meat, Greg is up for the fight, big time. Together with the man who specialises in three word sentences, Phil Smith, WrongUns present a formidable challenge.

Few Good Men

The defending champions Few Good Men led by Captain Wallis have sailed into the finals with some style. With the drive of Myvfany, the skills of Marc Broom, the precociousness of Zac Wallis and the … charisma of Stephen Barret the team possess the necessary versatility to be real contenders.

Mixed Bag

The tenacious Mixed Bag scraped into the finals on points difference. Mixed Bag led by Captain Mona with some French flair also includes the legendary John Ayres, the suave and sophisticated Mr Michael Chandler with the X factor provided by Steve Chandler. Mixed Bag could indeed end up being a surprise package.

EASCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS REPORT: WEEK 5

BREAKING NEWS: Past masters, Pride have been knocked out of the Eastcote Indoor Bowls tournament. With the non-playing captain, Captain Clouting away on holiday (unclear whether in Bermuda or Bermondsey), the team were in conference late into the night figuring out how to break the news of they lost tonight. Eventually they found the right form of words – “we won”. There are clearly risks with this strategy. Captain Clouting may well be celebrating lying in a bath filled with champagne visualising holding that trophy. Some heartache is on the calendar.

The next exciting round of bowls takes place at the club this Friday the 18th of March.

2016 EASTCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS TABLE
	Won	Lost	Pts Scored	Pts Conceded	Net Score
Stunts	5	0	45	14	31
Few Good Men	4	1	39	33	6
Mixed Bag	3	2	36	30	6
Carpet Burners	3	2	32	27	5
WrongUns	3	2	32	27	5
Pride	1	4	28	40	-12
Glamour Girls	1	4	30	43	-13
Angry Birds	0	4	17	45	-28

Analysis:

With just one more round to go, Stunts and defending champions Few Good Men have qualified for the finals day. Also, at least on form, Mixed Bag is expected to beat the Angry Birds to qualify. This leaves Carpet Burners and WrongUns to fight it out for that final slot. With the lure of the Mark Fielding Indoor Bowls Trophy uppermost in their minds, this is going to be a rip-roaring contest indeed.

Highlights of the evening:

Glamour Girl, Lyn Stevens came out of retirement to execute one of the best throws of the tournament demonstrating that she clearly has talent. The talent however appears to be so latent that the fears are that it may never be discovered.

Carpet Burner, Max Walker has tried playing bowls after a stiff drink and also after just a plain glass of water. In both cases he has found his game wanting. He could always try the third and last option of playing bowls after a moderate drink. If that fails too he may well have to accept the inevitable conclusion about his game, one that David Bowers came to about his cricket.

WrongUn, Phil Smith has been trying to maximise his beanpole physic. Phil has tried many techniques to use his reach to literally drop the ball by the jack - so far with little success. However, he is yet to try those Michael Jackson shoes featured in the Smooth Criminal video (see below) where he leans forward at the most acutest of angles. Such a technique will surely allow Phil to drop the ball by the jack every time. He may find that he need not wear that white suit that goes with those shoes.

Umpire Doug Maxted exudes that unusual mix of sensitivity and menace in equal measure. On the night, it proved to be very effective indeed. Players worry about challenging the umpire’s decision for two valid reasons - not wanting to hurt his feelings and also not wanting to have their heads ripped off.

EASCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS REPORT: WEEK 4

BREAKING NEWS: The Stunts take the lead following the battle of the titans. Controversy reigned as the Stunts thrashed Carpet Burners in the midst of jeers, tears and later, beers. And at the heart of the controversy – sledging arrrgh!

Local celebrity, West End of Eastcote actor, David Bowers was in the crowd today. This luvvie and ex-cricketer had some helpful advice for the contestants. He said, he too had been subjected to sledging in his time revealing that he was called a sh*t cricketer. David’s response was two pronged. First he agreed with the sledge … as it must have been difficult to deny. Then he told the sledger that if he is playing against him he must be one too – a very effective response indeed.

Self-deprecation is indeed a good way to respond to sledging. But then again not everyone is in David’s enviable position of having so much scope for self-deprecation.

With two rounds remaining, the fight to qualify for the final day of this prestigious tournament is getting intense and things are getting a teeny weeny hot under the collar. The next exciting round of bowls takes place at the club this Friday the 4th of March.

2016 EASTCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS TABLE
	Won	Lost	Pts Scored	Pts Conceded	Net Score
Stunts	4	0	36	10	26
Carpet Burners	3	1	27	18	9
Few Good Men	3	1	30	28	2
Mixed Bag	2	2	27	25	2
WrongUns	2	2	23	27	-4
Glamour Girls	1	3	26	34	-8
Pride	1	3	23	31	-8
Angry Birds	0	3	17	36	-19

Mixed Bag vs Few Good Men 9-8

Mixed Bag: Captain Mona, Mike Chandler, Steve Chandler and John Ayres

Few Good Men: Captain Clive Wallis, Zac Wallis, Stephen Barret, Myvfany Barret, Ben Herbert and Marc Broom

In Captain Wallis’s absence, Steve Barret was captain today. On debut was Ben Herbert. Often seen shopping with much intent around the Fruit & Veg section of the local Tesco, Ben had been plucked from obscurity and catapulted into stardom. He was now representing the Few Good Men in the premier bowls tournament in Eastcote!

Today, the Few Good Men were taking on the resurgent Mixed Bag. This was a must win match for Mixed Bag. Mixed Bag got off to a fine start and were on the brink of victory at 8-4 with the legendary John Ayres playing superbly. John was playing with running repairs on one of his eyes. To his surprise he found that the temporary loss of 50% of his vision had raised his game by 50%. He must now believe that he could raise his game 100% by keeping both eyes shut. This is probably what is called playing a blinder.

With Mixed Bag on the brink of winning, that man Marc Broom popped up time and again to rescue Few Good Men from defeat with the last throw of the round. Few Good Men eventually clawed their way back to win this thrilling match 9-8.

Carpet Burners vs Stunts 9-0

Carpet Burners: Captain Natalie Walker, Max Walker, David Wakefield and Vic

Stunts: Captain Will Dunn, Stanley, Matt Savage and Danny Skilton

This game started much earlier than the schedule would suggest. The psy ops otherwise known as sledging had started well before. This was a crucial match between the two of the big beasts in the competition. In the fog of bowls it was not clear what was said but amidst much rancor the Stunts triumphed handsomely with a 9-0 victory.

However, there are rumours that this may be part of Captain “big brain” Natalie’s master plan to give the rival teams a false sense of security. To add some authenticity, David Wakefield put on an Oscar winning performance to show his displeasure and strode off stage. David is no ordinary actor. This fast bowler demonstrated his consummate acting ability last season by playing the role of a slow bowler all summer.

WrongUns vs Glamour Girls 9-6

Glamour Girls: Captain Louise Hobday, Janet Thom, David Hobday and Ele Broom

WrongUns: Captain James Mans, Phil Smith, Sam Moody, Adam Harding and Greg Fury

The Glamour Girls were taking on WrongUns who need to win to stay in contention.

For this important match Sam Moody had been parachuted in. After all it is the only way to get him there from wherever he resides.

Each member of the team appeared to have only one thing on their mind – to win. Captain Mans’s team talk appears to have been short and simple at its core and must have gone something like “Lads, we must win”. Even Adam Harding looked determined … but then again it might have been a bout of indigestion. The short and sweet team talk proved to be decisive as the WrongUns strode to victory 9-6. The script for this team talk may well have some use during the summer

Pride vs Stunts 4-9

Pride: Captain John Clouting, Lee Hutton, Doug Maxted, Andrew Wakeford and Paul Harris

Angry Birds: Captain Tracey, Courtney, Corrine

It is hard to sustain a team name like Pride when you have not won any matches and that was the situation Captain Clouting and his team were in. Today they were taking on Angry Birds. Sometimes the name, Angry Birds can conjure up the wrong image. The girls of this team are not so much angry as smoldering. They could even be described as hot … but not so hot that they could catch fire.

Today CaptainTracey was confident she could finish off the down-and-out Pride. Angry bird Corrine was so confident she even predicted a shock. She had many options to shock the crowd today but she did not take any including the one to beat Pride. Pride went on to win the match 9-4.

EASCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS REPORT: WEEK 3

Eastcote Cricket Club’s number one cricket fan, Jim Fairbrother is now becoming a bowls fan too. Today Jim brought along a large beautifully carved wooden spoon to

present to the club. This will now become the new Eastcote Indoor Bowls Wooden Spoon, awarded to the most resilient team of the season – the one that ends up last. That said, what Jim has been eating with this 3 foot spoon all these days remains a mystery.

The next exciting round of bowls takes place at the club this Friday the19^th of February.

Few Good Men vs Glamour Girls 9-6

Few Good Men: Captain Clive Wallis, Zac Wallis, Stephen Barret, Myvfany Barret and Marc Broom

Glamour Girls: Captain Louise Hobday, Janet Thom, Gill Maxted and Ele Broom

The Glamour Girls had fought their way to a whisker of winning this match. New Glamour Girl recruit, little Ele Broom was on the brink of victory. Dad, Marc Broom for the opposition had the decisive throw. He could always deliberately miss it and let his little angle win. Instead, the throw was perfect and Few Good Men pull off a win. The message from Marc to his darling daughter appeared profound - “Failure is the pillar of success … but for the moment we need the points”.

Captain Louise of Glamour Girls however will tell you that over the past three years she has accumulated enough pillars to build the equivalent of The Parthenon , the ancient Greek temple twice over - unfortunately her team is yet to see much success.

Carpet Burners vs Angry Birds 9-3

Angry Birds: Captain Tracey, Courtney, Karen and Hannah

Carpet Burners: Captain Natalie Walker, Max Walker, David Wakefield and Vic

As every Eastcote cricketer knows, the key to performing under pressure is to trust your technique. In fact this is true in every sport including bowls. After watching a TV documentary Max has taken this one step further. He believes that once in position, you should relax to the point that you forget where you are and let your bodily functions take over and the results will follow. You may well find this technique yields results. But relaxing completely and letting your bodily functions take over could result in you having to occasionally contend with a steaming pile right behind you – and that won’t be a good look.

The Carpet Burners put on an accomplished performance on the night rolling over the Angry Birds 9-3. The Angry Birds were certainly not happy. In fact they were, you guessed it, Angry.

Mixed Bag vs WrongUns 9-7

Mixed Bag: Captain Mona, Mike Chandler, Steve Chandler and John Ayres

WrongUns: Captain James Mans, Phil Smith, Will Bramble, Adam Harding and Greg Fury

WrongUns, the early season favourites are looking decidedly dicey. Captain Mans’ team had been so closely knit that they had been likened to a Cashmere sweater. Unfortunately it now appears that Captain Mans has missed a stich and the knitting is coming apart as the team yet again misfired to go down 7-9 to Mixed Bag. However, with a talented squad, these boys remain a threat to the leading pack.

Mixed Bag’s Captain Mona was naturally cock-a-hoop about the win. To repeat the fine performance in the next match, she has asked each of her team to do exactly what they did today on the next match day. Retracing their day and turning up at the club at 9:30pm may not be a good idea given their match next week is at 8:00pm.

Pride vs Stunts 4-9

Pride: Captain John Clouting, Lee Hutton, Peter Tilsed, Andrew Wakeford and Paul Harris

Stunts: Captain Will Dunn, Stanley, Matt Savage and Danny Skilton

With his team firmly in the bottom half of the table, Captain Clouting is under pressure. He has been scraping the bottom of last of his barrels titled “My last resort”. And sure enough, out popped Peter Tilsed. As everyone knows, Peter is made up two distinct components, the Man and the Laugh. Normally they travel together but sometimes only the Laugh turns up at the club. Many would have heard that laugh ringing out at the club with the Man nowhere in sight. Today the Man and Laugh turned up for bowls. The Man was down and out on the losing side but the Laugh .. well it was laughing all the way to a 4-9 defeat.

Stunts look a formidable side. With the ‘impact’ player Danny Skilton whose impact admittedly can be in any direction, the boy-to-man bowls player Matt Savage and the man-to-boy bowls player Stanley, Captain Dunn has much to count on. This tournament is hotting up nicely indeed.

EASCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS REPORT: WEEK 2

The contest for the coveted Mark Fielding Indoor Bowls Trophy heated up on Friday with Carpet Burners and the Stunts leaping into the lead. However, with a few more rounds of matches to come, the contest remains wide open.

The music for the evening was presented by Stanley, Eastcote CC’s Bruce Springsteen … minus the looks, musical ability and bank account.

The next exciting round of bowls takes place at the club this Friday the 5^th of February.

Mixed Bag vs Carpet Burners 1-9

Mixed Bag: Captain Mona, Mike Chandler, Steve Chandler and John Ayres

Carpet Burners: Captain Natalie Walker, Max Walker, David Wakefield and Vic

This match was finished in no time with Carpet Burners rolling over Mixed Bag to win 9-1. Mixed Bag did not even get off the startling line. In fact, they did not even get out of the bag! Captain Mona is surely going to have the read the riot act to her team to get them back on track.

At the post match team interview, the Carpet Burners were asked about their successful strategy to date, Max was quick to answer. “We just turn up and play” he said confidently. But Captain “big brain” Natalie’s expression showed that there were detailed plans not just for the rest of the matches but even for the champagne reception after winning the trophy! It appears that the instructions to Max are as complex as they need to be - just turn up, look pretty and play.

Stunts vs WrongUns 3-9

Stunts: Captain Will Dunn, Stanley, Matt Savage and Danny Skilton

WrongUns: Captain James Mans, Phil Smith, Will Bramble, Adam Harding and Greg Fury

The annual Stunts vs WrongUns contest is always a testosterone fueled event with much gusto and macho gestures. Those watching the contest must have surely been reminded of the recent coverage on TV … of the remarkable red deer rutting season on Autumn Watch. Just like the prize the red deer contest for, both teams know that they too can expect an undivided female following if they go on to win the Eastcote Indoor Bowls trophy. The behavioral comparisons are uncanny if you take out the wallowing in the urine bit. For those wondering, only the red deer delight in engaging in this activity. It appears that the women of Eastcote do not have a sufficiently developed sense of smell to appreciate it. That majestic stag, the Emperor, that once roamed Exmoor may be gone but there are a few comparable specimens kicking around at Eastcote CC.

As for the match, the Stunts got ahead in the pecking order by sinking the WrongUns 9-3.

Glamour Girls vs Angry Birds 9-7

Angry Birds: Captain Courtney, June Roan, Geoff Roan and Doug Maxted

Glamour Girls: Captain Denise Broom, Janet Thome, Gill Maxted and Ele Broom

Another contest that bowls fans watch with much interest every year is the girls’ teams battling it out to get on top. This year however, due to a Paris fashion show (or so they say), some of the Angry Birds were not available. In their place for one night only Doug Maxted and Geoff Roan had been drafted in.

Words like amazingly handsome, rugged and ripped have been used to describe both these men, but that was 30 years ago. Today, on a regular evening at Eastcote Cricket Club even the word “elegant” has been used in their vicinity. However juxtaposed in the midst of these glamourous, beautiful women for whom hair growth of any significance happens only on their heads, Doug and Geoff appeared to conjure up an image that was seen on yet another TV program recently - The Bear Family and Me. What’s more, there performance unfortunately did not change the fortunes of the Angry Birds as they went down 5-9 to the Glamour Girls.

Pride vs Few Good Men 5-9

Few Good Men: Captain Clive Wallis, Ian Moore, Stephen Barret, Myvfany Barret and Marc Broom

Pride: Captain John Clouting, Lee Hutton, Mike Woodgate, Andrew Wakeford and Paul Harris

Every batsman worth his or her salt knows that shadow batting in front of a mirror does wonders for their technique. If it is true for cricket, it must surely be true for every other sport. Table Tennis god and Bowls beginner Paul Harris of Pride has been doing some shadow indoor bowling in front of the mirror. For him, it had entailed staring at himself in front of the mirror in a bowling pose and holding an apple (the closest thing he could find to a bowling ball). And then it struck him like a thunderbolt - he needed a hair-cut! As always, something good does come out of shadow practice in front of the mirror

Myvfany and Stephen Barret, the power couple of the Few Good Men are keen to raise their skill level to ensure the defence of the hard fought title they won last year. However, practicing bowls at home appears to be a non-starter. Mr and Mrs Barret are now finding that installing the Deluxe Double Soft Fluffy Caress carpet at home was a bad idea. It is obviously great for rolling in but for bowls its rubbish. How they must be wishing that they had gone for a carpet similar to that at the Club which can soak up any amount of spilled beer and still remain perfectly slick and be great of indoor bowls.

Despite the lack of practice, the Few Good Men went on to beat Pride 9-5. Paul might have ended up in the losing side but he lost wearing his hair well.

EASCOTE CC 2016 INDOOR BOWLS REPORT: WEEK 1

The 2016 Eastcote Indoor Bowls competition got off to a sparkling start on Friday. As the stars arrived, the cameras were already in place. This grand televised event could always be seen on TV screens (CCTV to be precise) but the live version is naturally more sensational.

Breaking News: After several years of fine service, Zara has stepped down as captain Calendar Girls. One of the first acts of the new captain Tracey was to change the name of the team. Henceforth Calendar Girls will now be known as Angry Birds. Given their lack of success to date, a more appropriate name might well have been Furious Birds.

The next bowls evening will be this Friday the 22^nd of January.

Mixed Bag vs Glamour Girls 9-5

Mixed Bag: Captain Mona, Mike Chandler, Steve Chandler and John Ayres

Glamour Girls: Captain Louise Hobday, Denise Broom, Gill Maxted and Ele Broom

David Broom was at the front row for this match. Asked which team he supported, David had no hesitation in identifying himself as a Glamour Girls’ fan. With his wife Denise and grand- daughter Ele in the side any other answer would have indicated that life was not worth living.

Both teams started nervously but the match soon livened up. Captain Louise of Glamour Girls appears to have injected some belief into the side. With new recruit Ele showing promise, the Glamour Girls gave Mixed Bag some stiff completion. However, Mixed Bag under Mona’s firm leadership were up for the challenge running out 9-5 winners.

Few Good Men vs WrongUns 3-9

Few Good Men: Captain Clive Wallis, Ian Moore, Steven Barret, Myvfany Barret and Marc Broom

WrongUns: Captain James Mans, Phil Smith, Will Bramble and Greg Fury

As defending champions, Captain Wallis enters the season with a similar challenge to that which greeted Chelsea Manager Jose Mourinho. However, unlike the uncooperative players of Chelsea, Captain Wallis’s team is highly motivated. The ‘Costa’ of the Few Good Men, Myvfany was even heard suggesting having practice nights in a bid to retain the trophy.

Under Captain Mans, the WrongUns yet again look like favourites for the finals. With the leadership of Captain Mans, the guile of Will, the flare of Greg and the enthusiasm of Phil this side look formidable indeed. They beat Few Good Men 9-3.

Pride vs Carpet Burners 5-9

Pride: Captain John Clouting, Lee Hutton, Mike Woodgate, Andrew Wakeford and Paul Harris

Carpet Burners: Captain Natalie Waters, Max Walker, David Wakefield and Vic

Captain Natalie had been in the transfer market over the summer. She had to after her key player Courtney had been poached by the Angry Birds. However, Natalie appears to have pulled off a coup by signing up Vic, a past championship winner. Vic appeared highly hyped up for the challenge on the night. During the evening he was making many noises which when put together did amount to sentences. His game however was utterly coherent and even decisive.

Carpet Burners were taking on past masters Pride. Captain Clouting had dipped into his title winning squad for the match today. These boys have been there, done it, got the tee-shirt and have even gone to sleep in it. But now they want more. But today was not a good start as they lost to the Carpet Burners 9-5

Stunts vs Angry Bird 9-3

Angry Birds: Captain Tracey, Abi, Corrine and Courtney

Stunts: Captain Will Dunn, Stanley, Sumo and Danny Skilton

Midway through the earlier game, the Angry Birds had burst in to the bowls hall following birthday celebrations of one of their teammates. As it turned out Beyoncé - Crazy In Love was playing as these former models swaggered through the hall, interestingly reminiscent of Beyoncé’s swagger in that video (see link below). Suddenly it felt as if the legs per square foot in the club had shot up sharply.

The Angry Birds had arrived to take on the Stunts. Stunts captain, Will has returned from Australia to take over the captaincy of the Stunts from reluctant captain Matt Savage. Combining British “charm” with Australia’s “killer instincts”, Will appears to have developed what can be best described as “chiller instincts” - how to thrash the opposition in way they love it. He was last seen hugging his competition to death after beating them 9-3.

And afterwards …

The end of the matches appeared not be the end of the day of bowls for some, especially for those who appear to be endowed with excess testosterone at the club. A game of Killer Bowls was just starting – a game in which, through elimination, you find the ultimate bowls champion. In the week when £1 on the lottery could have won you £57 million, players were seen putting £1 into a beer glass. A total of £8 was secured as the jackpot. But the real prize for the winner of course is the knowledge that you have wiped the floor with those who dared to challenge you at Killer Bowls.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ViwtNLUqkMY

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EASCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS REPORT: 2015 FINALS

The Finals Day is normally a tense affair and today was no different. Forced smiles and wooden movements were part of the tell tale signs of the pressure of the occasion. But one man was on a different plane, a planet some may say. Celebrity Umpire Geoff Roan had traveled up from the deep south to officiate this contest. Umpire Roan has the oratory skills of President Obama, the authority of Simon Taufell and the involuntary movements of Coco the Clown. With a “Let the games begin” cry, Umpire Roan was in position to start proceedings.

Semi-Final 1 - Carpet Burners vs Pride

Eastcote Pride: Captain John Clouting, Lee Hutton, Mike Woodgate, Andrew Wakeford, James Fielding and James Clouting

Carpet Burners: Captain Natalie Waters, Max Walker, David Wakefield and Courtney

Captain “Big Brain” Natalie had a plan - she would bring a fifth influential member along. It would be in the form of a CD! She would play Elvis’s greatest hits on the clubs super duper sound system. The result was amazing. It was as if Elvis was actually in the building! For example when Pride’s key player Mike Woodgate stepped on the mat to make a key delivery Elvis butted in to sing “Don’t be cruel”!. As the game progressed it became clear that Pride were heading for victory. Carpet Burner’s star player Max had to make his delivery count if they were to survive the match. Amazingly Elvis stepped in again with a bit of advice “It is now or never” he sang. As it turned out it was neither now or never. Carpet Burners lost but they will be back next year. Following the defeat David Wakefield of Carpet Burners was asked how he felt. Before he could answer Elvis butted in to say the he was “All shook up”.

Semi-Final 2 - WrongUns vs Few Good Men

WrongUns: Captain James Mans, Sam Moody, Paul Manley, Will Bramble, Adam Harding and Phil Smith

Few Good Men: Captain Clive Wallis, Zac Wallis, Marc Broom, Steven Barret and Myvfany Barret

It was obvious the WrongUns had prepared well for this occasion. Not only had they worked carefully on their tactics they were also looking stunning. Sam Moody for example had undergone a total makeover and looking every bit a Hollywood star… last seen in that famous movie Illegally Blond.

WrongUns did not start well with Elvis holding sway. Captain Mans was heard telling the DJ that “Suspicion torments my heart” quoting Elvis verbatim. He went on to explain that his team can only play with music with a faster beat. Soon the music was changed but the game still kept slipping away. In the end the nagging consistency of the Few Good Men was too much for the WrongUns as they crashed to a shocking defeat. The bowls crowd was in shock to see the tournament favorites out of the competition.

Intermission

During the intermission, a Hot Shot bowls competition took place. Everyone at the club had one throw to find the club’s hot shot bowls player. Amazingly, the winner and the runner up were part time bowls players. For both, the word ‘big’ would make a massive difference to their persona. The runner up: Danny “Big” Mac and the champion: “Big” Ben Facey.

The Finals - Few Good Men vs Pride

At the start of the season Captain Wallis set off on a voyage. In his ship he took a man, a woman, a child and a Marc Broom. Collectively, they would be called the Few Good Men, as you would in a biblical sense. This would be fine because he was sailing into the 21^st century where there would in time be no distinction between sex, colour or creed. It would be a world where he, she, it could all mean the same. The only misogyny you would find in this world would be the daughter of Mr Ogyny. In this world Captain Wallis and her team would be as one.

They were also amateurs. For example at the start of the season Myvfany was heard asking which foot to put forward in order to bowl. Zack for example remembers the comfort of his nappies only a handful of years ago. Today they were playing fearless, fantastic bowls. The team motto “Don’t think, play” appears to have done wonders to their development. This was also true about Steve and Captain Wallis. Together they were playing some magical bowls.

It was into this force of nature that Pride stepped in to claim the trophy. These former champions had every right to believe that they could win. It was spectacular bowls from the Pride versus the nagging consistency of the Few Good Men with Zac in particular playing some fine bowls. And then an outcome to be added to the worlds all time sporting surprises as the Few Good Men beat the Pride to win the coveted Eastcote CC Mark Fielding Bowls Trophy! They could now revel in the glory for one whole year!

And finally …

Umpire Roan had officiated the entire contest. He had been on the lash since early afternoon. Now, his wife June had him on the leash. It appears 50 Shades is alive and kicking in the deep south.

EASCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS REPORT: FINALS PREVIEW

After five grueling rounds of indoor bowls, four teams have fought their way to the Finals Day on 27 March to compete for the coveted Eastcote CC Mark Fielding Bowls Trophy. The Stunts and Mixed Bag have been eliminated. Mix Bag’s legendary bowls player John Ayres can now focus on his other passion – his expansive vegetable patch. “You name a vegetable and I can show it to you” he says proudly. Along the left he can show you the common old garden vegetables like potatoes and carrots. Along the right he can show you the exotic vegetables like aubergine and cauliflower He can even show you his big marrow behind the garden shed.

Here is preview of the teams that will be competing for the trophy.

WrongUns

This testosterone fuelled team led by Captain Mans has had yet another great year. These defending champions lead the league table and are now favourites to win the trophy. “We have pressure for breakfast” boasts their spokesman Sam Moody. One hopes it does not result in a bout of flatulence on the night.

Eastcote Pride

These well weathered former champions have had a rough ride this year but still managed to hold second place. Captain Clouting will have to weave some magic to get his team ready and firing for the finals.

Carpet Burners

Lead by resident psychotherapist Captain Natalie, the Carpet Burners have exceeded all expectations to storm into the finals. Captain Natalie’s ability to read people like a book could be handy in working out the opposition’s tactics. The problem however is that many of her opposition on the night can only be read like a cartoon.

Few Good Men

The Few Good Men lead by Captain Wallis managed to do just enough to sneak into the finals. Taking note of his burgeoning squad over the years, in some quarters the Few Good Men are being referred to as Good Few Men. These former champions have the way with all to grab the trophy on the night.

Calendar Girls vs Glamour Girls

The Wooden Spoon is set to be contested by the Calendar Girls and Glamour Girls. Bowls fans will get another opportunity to see this legendary contest that is always accompanied by some drama.

The bowls spirit

The competitive spirit of this competition was eloquently captured by Steve Dunn in the last round. Steve had been at the bar longer than the rest soaking up what it offers best. However, given an emergency, when Captain Matt Savage offered him a place in his team, the veteran table tennis wizard was ready. Steve’s transformation from a well oiled bowls fan to a aggressive fighting machine was virtually instant. It was like you walking into your kitchen and a pickled gherkin jumping out of the jar to challenge you for a bout of arm wrestling.

During the match Steve’s bowling stance entailed kneeling down. While finding some stability appeared to be the main reason, this stance allowed him to simultaneously pray for assistance from his maker in delivering the ball to the right place. His maker was busy helping him all right … to get him back on his feet.

EASCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS REPORT: WEEK 4 OF 6

The tournament took a dramatic turn as the WrongUns beat Pride to take a decisive lead. Details of the contest are below. Teams have just one more round on Friday 6 March to qualify for the finals day.

	Won	Lost	Net Score
WrongUns	4	0	27
Eastcote Pride	3	1	9
Carpet Burners	3	1	9
Mixed Bag	2	2	4
Few Good Men	2	2	-7
Calendar Girls	1	3	-9
The Stunts	1	3	-13
Loose Women	0	4	-18

Steve Chandler and Natalie Waters have been talking. The osteopath and psychoanalyst may be ready to start a clinic to prepare the bowls players for combat. The service could be used by players before the start of play to get their body and soul aligned for the contest ahead. For a small fee you could have the opportunity to have your hamstring unstrung while talking about how your feelings were hurt when you were out for duck three times in a row.

Mixed Bag vs Calendar Girls 9-3

Mixed Bag: Captain Mona, Mike Chandler, Steve Chandler and John Ayres

Calendar Girls: Captain Tracey, Karen, Hannah and Harley

The Calendar Girls new recruit Harley came bustling in ready to compete. When she asked acting captain Tracey about getting some practice before the match, Captain Tracey nearly fell of her chair! ‘Practice’ is a remote concept for these models who in their day job can smile for the cameras at the drop of a hat. Practice they believe is for wimps. Nevertheless on Harley’s insistence they did what amounted to some practice.

The Calendar Girls were taking on permanently exuberant Captain Mona and her team, Mixed Bag. An in depth interview with Captain Mona to learn more about the connection between her chirpy character and alcohol uncovered some shocking information. I can now reveal that she reaches those heady heights of hyperactivity without any recourse to alcohol! Next week I will be touching on the subject of magic mushrooms.

Despite a practice induced improved performance by the Calendar Girls, Mixed Bag went on to win the match 9-3.

Carpet Burners vs Loose Women 9-4

Carpet Burners: Captain Natalie Waters, Max Walker, David Wakefield and Courtney

Loose Women: Captain Denise Broom, Janet Thom, Louisa Savage and Jo Barry

Martin Barry was unsure when his match would end and as such when he would be back for dinner. Loose woman and wife Jo had left his dinner in the oven. If Martin returned home early he could expect to take out of the oven Pork Belly supreme with rustic chips. If he returned home late, he could instead take out what would now be pork scratching and crispy chips!

Despite her ingenuity, Jo and her teammates had in front of them a tough contest. With unsung hero David Wakefield firing on all cylinders, title contenders Carpet Burners turned out to be too strong for the Loose Women with the match ending 9-3 in favour of Carpet Burners

WrongUns vs Pride 9-0

WrongUns: Captain James Mans, Sam Moody, Adam Harding, Will Bramble and Phil Smith

Eastcote Pride: Captain John Clouting, Lee Hutton, Andrew Wakeford, and James Clouting

There must have been a time when you would have wet a piece of cloth, wiped the floor with it, squeezed it and hung it out to dry. If you had that in your memory bank it would have been like déjà vu all over again today because that is exactly what WrongUns did to Pride this evening when they more than wiped the floor with them for a 9-0 thrashing. It was hard to believe that both teams were contending for the top spot. After the defeat Andrew Wakeford of the Pride could not get a sentence out without the word ‘practice’ in it. Captain Clouting has a job to do to scrape his men off the floor and inject some pride into them before the finals.

Few Good Men vs Stunts 9-2

Stunts: Captain Matt Savage, Martin Barry, Danny Mac and Andy Thom

Few Good Men: Captain Steven Barret, Marc Broom, Ben Facey and Ben Herbert

In the wilds of the West Bengal forest scout mongoose survey their surroundings looking for what might challenge their colony. If these scouts come across cobras, they have the capacity to deal with the threat. However, if they come across the vicious King Cobra they rush back to summon the King Mongoose. The King Mongoose would arrive in his own sweet time and have the King Cobra for breakfast. Life’s parallels with nature is so fascinating.

West Bengal forest: The bowls arena

King Cobra: The Stunts

Scout Mongoose: Steve Barret

King Mongoose: Marc Broom

Note: The below account of the ECC bowls tournament has been produced by Path Rasan exercising some poetic license.

EASCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS REPORT: WEEK 3 OF 6

Three grueling rounds of the Eastcote CC Indoor bowls are now complete and yet there is little to separate the two leading sides, WrongUns and Pride. The clash of the titans comes in the next round on Friday the 20^th of February.

	Won	Lost
WrongUns	3	0
Eastcote Pride	3	0
Carpet Burners	2	1
Mixed Bag	1	2
Calendar Girls	1	2
The Stunts	1	2
Few Good Men	1	2
Loose Women	0	2

The bowls evening started off with some controversy as a concerted debate developed over the awarding of a 2 point head start to all girl teams. Andy Thom led the debate challenging those who were in favour of awarding a 2 point start to the girls. “How many points will I get if I came to the club in a bra and heels and with a glass of wine?” he asked with an appropriate gesture. The consensus was overwhelming that Andy would get more than points for this. Everyone felt he would almost certainly get a complete driving ban.

Mixed Bag vs WrongUns 5-9

Mixed Bag: Captain Mona, Mike Chandler, Steve Chandler and John Ayres

WrongUns: Captain James Mans, Sam Moody, Paul Manley, Will Bramble and Phil Smith

Bowls fans have observed that the Mixed Bag players have been getting younger over time. The credit for giving the players a spring in their steps has surely got to go to resident osteopath Steve Chandler. The very spring in their steps however is now being attributed to the fall in Mixed Bag’s form. Drastic steps would now have to be considered for the players to be unsprung so that they have a more sober approach to bowls. With ambitious captain seeking ways to win, the rumour is that if a black coffee fails to get them into a sedate state a wooden mallet is on standby.

Mixed Bag had their work cut out taking on the formidable WrongUns. It was a contest of styles. It was Mixed Bag’s touch play exemplified by Mona, Mike and John versus the brutal professionalism of the WrongUns. Today, Mixed Bag’s Steve Chandler had an outstanding game only to be outdone by an extraordinary effort from Will Bramble for the WrongUns. The style of win makes Captain Man’s WrongUns clear front runners for the title.

Pride vs Stunts 9-5

Stunts: Captain Matt Savage, Charlie Hobday, Sam Hutchison and Andy Thom

Eastcote Pride: Captain John Clouting, Lee Hutton, Andrew Wakeford, James Fielding and James Clouting

The Stunts have been in some disarray this year and as a result playing under par. So when they shot to a 4-0 lead against joint favourites the Pride, naturally the on-field captain Lee Hutton was under severe pressure – nearly heart attack territory.

Lee was however confident a heart attack was not on the agenda because his doctor had said so. The doctor had said that walking his dog has been the key to Captain Lee’s fine condition. Recently Lee has been taking the dog for extra walks. As a result his health statistics have been stellar but it appears that the dog’s statistics are even better. If his dog is anything like Brian in Family Guy he would do well to bring him along for some bowls.

With the injection of youth (in relative terms) in the form of James Fielding and James Clouting working well the Pride eventually ran out winners 9-5.

Carpet Burners vs Calendar Girls 9-7

Carpet Burners: Captain Natalie Waters, Max Walker, David Wakefield and Courtney

Calendar Girls: Captain Zara, Tracey, Corrine, Chloe and Karen

To know how the carpet is hovered and how the carpet fibres lie is the holy grail every bowls player seeks. Originally, the key to the DNA of the Eastcote CC carpet lay in the mind of Max, the man who was instrumental in laying the carpet. Over time this knowledge has shifted to PJ in whose domain the carpet is now in. Those who enter the mind of PJ can gain clear advantage. Players appear to have concluded however that relying on complete randomness gives them a better chance of success.

On the back of a win in the previous round, the Calendar Girls made a determined effort to beat the Carpet Burners. Despite a fine performance from Tracey in particular the Calendar Girls fell short 7-9.

Few Good Men vs Loose Women 9-6

Glamour Girls: Captain Louise Hobday, Lyn Stevens, Janet Thom and Jo Barry

Few Good Men: Captain Clive Wallis, Zac Wallis, Marc Broom, Steven Barret, Myvfany Barret and Ian Moore

Bowls fans may feel that the newly named Loose Women are yet to establish their identity with Lyn and Janet looking very glamorous, blonde bombshell Captain Louise looking thoughtful and determined and Jo Barry being Jo Barry. However, behind this façade there is a clear underlying theme. Like their TV counterparts these women have a view on everything. They are strident, dominant and in life, hold the whip hand. They can give Christian Grey 50 shades on his back side any day of the week.

For these all conquering women there is only one thing missing in their lives – a win in this year’s bowls competition. Today there was a real opportunity. They were taking on the Few Good Men with a loosing record to date of 0-9 and 1-9.

Being captain of a bowls team brings with it immense responsibility and today was no different for Captain Clive. A stickler for technique, Clive’s responsibility is even greater. His new recruit, Myvfany was having some difficulty finding the optimal position she should hold in order to release the ball. So when she asked Clive how wide should her legs be apart Clive was quick to step in to advice. He is good like that.

The coaching appeared to work as the Few Good Men registered their first win of the tournament.

Note: The below account of the ECC bowls tournament has been produced by Path Rasan exercising some poetic license.

EASCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS REPORT: WEEK 2 OF 6

The second round of the Eastcote CC bowls tournament saw the competitors yet again pitting their physical and mental prowess to achieve supremacy. It is widely accepted that success in bowls like in most other sports is broadly 50% physical and 50% mental. Asked for their views, Eastcote’s own Statler and Waldorf had no doubts. “They are all mental” they said breaking into their customary laughter.

Early form suggests that the team to beat is WrongUns. These defending champions are hungry for more titles. Who could possibly stop them? We are sure to learn more in the next round which is this Friday the 6^th of February.

	Won	Lost
WrongUns	2	0
Eastcote Pride	2	0
Calendar Girls	1	1
Mixed Bag	1	1
Carpet Burners	1	1
The Stunts	1	1
Loose Women	0	2
Few Good Men	0	2

Mixed Bag vs Carpet Burners 4-9

Mixed Bag: Captain Mona, Mike Chandler, Steve Chandler and John Ayres

Carpet Burners: Captain Natalie Waters, Max Walker, David Wakefield and Courtney

John Ayres had a conflict of interest. It was his wife, Pat’s birthday today. It was also the day for an important bowls match. Captain Mona had picked him for this crucial match. John in his wisdom picked the bowls match! However, he was wearing a jersey with the name of the love of his life strategically printed on his heart – “Guiness”. As for the missed birthday, John has the next 364 to make up for it.

Mixed Bag dominated the early part of the match putting the Carpet Burners under pressure. In round 3, Carpet Burners’ Courtney came to the mat requiring divine intervention to save the round. The music at that very moment turned out to be from Michael Jackson and he appeared to be communicating directly with Courtney. ‘Don’t try to fight it there ain’t nothin that yoooooooo can do. Relax your mind …” he sang – all amounting to very good advice indeed. Courtney erased her mind of the potential consequences, relaxed her mind, took aim and threw the ball … straight into the chairs! Not much good this time. As it turned out Michael Jackson carried on to suggest that he would like to “Rock whit you all night”. It does not look like he knows much about bowls after all.

Stunts vs WrongUns 4-9

Stunts: Captain Matt Savage, Zac Wallis, Charlie Hobday and Path Rasan

WrongUns: Captain James Mans, Sam Moody, Adam Harding and Danny Mac

Reigning champions WrongUns are emerging as the team to beat. Their spokesman Sam Moody was in an ebullient mood. “I have a dream” he started pointing his finger up in the air. “I dream that we will win the bowls tournament for the next 10 years and our names will be plastered all over the trophy”. So, it turns out Sam has a pretty ambitious dream that does not involve a skirt.

Stunts captain Matt Savage has been finding that his squad has dwindled over the years. Out of his original squad of Will Dunn, Charlie Wakim and James Roan and Stanley, three of them have left for Australia. Matt must surely be wondering how he got it so badly wrong with Will, Charlie and James and for that matter also wondering how he so miserably failed with Stanley. The basis for an explanation for QPR fan, Stanley’s continued commitment to the cause may well lie in the final paragraph of this report.

Stunts going through a rebuilding phase could not hold back the WrongUns onslaught as they went down 4-9.

Loose Women vs Calendar Girls 6-9

Glamour Girls: Captain Louise Hobday, Denise Broom, Jane and Jo Barry

Calendar Girls: Captain Zara, Tracey, Hannah and Chloe

By now the crowd had grown to watch this highly contested all girls affair. If they had come to see a proper ding dong with flying hand bags and hair pulling they would have been disappointed. That is all so 20^th century. Today, with these modern women who grace the floor, it is all about the exercise of soft power. A raised eyebrow, pursed lips or a well placed nod is all they need to convey intense emotion in the heat of battle. Captain Louise Hobday may concur that ‘accidentally’ stepping on toes in her Doc Martins also forms part of 21^st century gamesmanship.

Calendar Girls captain Zara has brought a thoughtful approach to indoor bowls. The studied concentration with which she surveys the carpet before her throw is a case in point. The intense analysis etched on a face after the throw is also another indication of the strategy behind her play. Today her focus of her analysis was to workout why some of her throws were leaving the carpet in a hurry.

The intense battle was eventually won by the Calendar Girls. After the defeat, Captain Louise was at pains to insist that the ‘Loose’ in their name is definitely spelt with two ‘O’s.

The person most in sync with their feminine side in this game was Umpire Adam Harding. Harding by name and Hardon by nature this rugby playing beer swilling tough nut is also a sensual mover who could not keep still for the music. For example he had all the moves for Village People’s YMCA and Gloria Gaynor’s I Will Survive. His moves may well be contemporary today but he must realise that it is year 2030 dad dancing.

Few Good Men vs Eastcote Pride 1-9

Few Good Men: Captain Clive Wallis, Marc Broom, Ben Herbert and Ian Moore

Eastcote Pride: Captain John Clouting, Lee Hutton, Mike Woodgate, John White and Peter Tilsed

Captain Wallis had drafted in Ian Moore. If his spectacles are anything to go by, he must be a professor. Asked about the prospects for this game, he was confident as any professor would be. Based on trend analysis he expected his team to win tonight. He explained that winning streaks matter and that he was on a one match winning streak.

The Few Good Men were taking on the formidable Eastcote Pride. The game went as expected with Few Good Men losing 1-9. No doubt the professor will have a view on a one win one loss trend.

For this game Captain Clouting had brought in hardman and QPR fan John White. Everyone knows that you can rely on a QPR fan to stick to you like superglue. Unlike the glory chasing Chelsea or ManU fan, the QPR fan wakes up every morning to fight against relegation. Devoted to a life of misery, their commitment to a lost cause knows no bounds. They are ready to face everyday with a “slap me again” face and are happy to suffer in silence. In short, wonderful marriage material.

EASCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS 2015 REPORT: WEEK 1 OF 7

Note: The below account of the ECC bowls tournament has been produced by Path Rasan exercising some poetic license.

The fans had arrived early for the start of the 2015 bowls season. Perched at their regular place by the bar were Mike and Roger – Eastcote’s own diplomatic school trained Statler and Waldorf. Soon the bowls stars began to arrive. The cameras were already there to capture this special moment - not quite paparazzi but more like CCTV. The stage was set for another season of intense contest for the coveted Eastcote CC Mark Fielding Bowls Trophy.

The bowls fans were there to watch the action and engage in some social intercourse. The crowd waited expectantly for the contest to start. The girls were dressed to kill. They were hot, smoldering even. Someone had left the central heating on for too long.

Mixed Bag vs Loose Women 9-2

Mixed Bag: Captain Mona, Mike Chandler, Steve Chandler and John Ayres

Glamour Girls: Captain Louise Hobday, Denise Broom, Lyn Stevens, Janet Thom and Jo Barry

Just before the start of the tournament, the Glamour Girls’ captain Louise dropped a bombshell. Henceforth the girls wanted to be known as Loose Women! Now, you can take the ‘Girl’ out of Glamour Girls but how could you possibly take the ‘Glamour’ out of this line up of beauties. Surely now they would have to be known as the Loose Glamorous Women. Imagine that! Actually, in Eastcote, you would not have to imagine that anymore. Here they were in real life – Loose, Glamorous, Women.

The push for the name change to ‘Loose Women’ had primarily come from Denise Broom. David Broom has much to consider and some adjustment is likely to be required. Also, Jo Barry making her debut for Loose Women became the first woman to represent the Calendar Girls, Glamour Girls and now Loose Women. After all she has the dexterity to straddle all those genres – a Loose Glamorous Calendar Girl if you like. This girl is versatile indeed.

The Loose Women were taking on last year’s runners up, Mixed Bag. Captain Mona and her team had tasted fame and they now want more. They looked determined and well drilled and made short shrift of the Loose Women winning the match 9-2.

Stunts vs Carpet Burners 9-6

Carpet Burners: Captain Natalie Waters, Max Walker, David Wakefield and Courtney

Stunts: Captain Stanley, Andy Thom, Matt Savage and James Roan

The Stunts acting captain Stanley, had picked the fearsome former left arm fast bowler in the form of Andy Thom. Today Andy is a mellowed, artistic bowls player. When asked about his plans to return to an aggressive style Andy was dismissive. Quoting the immortal word of Michael Jackson he said “I am a lover not a fighter”. Quite right indeed, he is not a fighter and is known to be partial to pies.

The Stunts were taking on a formidable opponent this evening - Carpet Burners lead by fashion icon Natalie. With Max and David in sizzling form they gave the Stunts a fearsome contest but were overwhelmed by a strong Stunts reposte. The match ended in Stunts favour 9-6.

Few Good Men vs Wrong-Uns 0-9

WrongUns: Captain James Mans, Sam Moody, Phil Smith, Adam Harding and Paul Manley

Few Good Men: Captain Clive Wallis, Marc Broom, Ben Herbert, Steven Barret and Myvfany Barret

The 2014 champions, the WrongUns were not taking any chances in this match. They were fielding their cup winning side today. They were taking on their arch rivals, Few Good Men, captained by snazzy dresser Clive Wallis. Clive was brilliantly colour coordinated. His shirt matching belt, belt matching trousers and even the trousers matching the carpet. It was spectacular. However, Clive who over the years in his batting career has shrugged off even questions about his parentage from curious short leg fielders appeared to lose it when arch sledger Paul Manley seemed to criticise his colour coordination. With the captain noblled, Few Good Men never quite recovered their poise losing 9-0 to the Wrong- Uns.

With their arch rivals vanquished in no uncertain terms, Captain Mans felt it was time to celebrate the win with a round of Jager Bombs! The night was only just beginning for the WrongUns.

In the ranks of the Few Good Men was debutant Ben Herbert. Asked how he found dealing with the intensity of bowls at this high level he was straight to the point. “You need ambition, skill and talent to succeed and I don’t have any of them” he said confidently. Fans may disagree. He was there, up amongst the best in his side today proving once again that supreme confidence in the absence of everything else can still be enough. The Club would do well stick some pads on Ben and send him in to bat for the 1s this summer as an experiment.

Eastcote Pride vs Calendar Girls 9-3

Eastcote Pride: Captain John Clouting, Lee Hutton, Mike Woodgate, Andrew Wakeford and Peter Tilsed

Calendar Girls: Captain Zara, Corrine, Tracey, Ken and Sam

During the evening the Calendar Girls strode in with their entourage, turning heads as they usually do. Our intrepid reporter asked one of the stars, Corrine whether she had been practicing hard during the off-season. “I am coming in blind” replied Corrine. Blind appeared to be the operative word as she struggled to find where the jack was in her early throws. However, soon she was back to her best giving the crowd a fine display of bowls.

Non playing Captain John Clouting had picked his special player Peter Tilsed for this crucial fixture. Peter’s strength is not necessarily how he throws the ball but instead in the way he holds his body in a contorted position after the throw. By leaning to one side in a contorted position he is amazingly able to control the path of the ball! However today, some of the throws were a bit too wayward requiring a body position that was not quite Bowls Coaching Manual as the Kama Sutra. Peter, a man of taste, naturally resisted the temptation. No doubt he would be saving that for a special occasion.

2014 Indoor Bowls Week 6

Note: The below account of the bowls evening is by Path Rasan. The inaccuracy of the reporting can be guaranteed given the fog of bowls.

EASCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS REPORT: WEEK 6 of 7

The frantic final round of the Eastcote Bowls competition saw Mixed Bag emerge as the top team in the Eastcote Bowls league. Mixed Bag together with Eastcote Pride, WrongUns and Carpet Burners now qualify to compete for that ultimate prize – the Eastcote Indoor Bowls Trophy on Friday the 5^th of April. Played on a knockout basis, it is the team that can be impervious to pressure that is likely to triumph. A paralytic state via drink has already been tried and found wanting.

The stakes have been further ratcheted up by the introduction of an impressive trophy in memory of the late legendary bowls player Mark Fielding. Mark, a long time member of Eastcote Cricket Club and father of Eastcote cricketer, James, was a consummate bowls player. He combined his fine bowls skills and competitive spirit with a great sense of humour epitomizing the very essence of Eastcote Bowls. His unique skill to throw the ball with the precise weight and accuracy in order for it to turn back on itself at the end of it run is yet to be matched by his predecessors. He is sadly missed by the world of Eastcote Bowls and all who knew him.

Mixed Bag vs Win-at-all-Costs 7-1

Mixed Bag: Captain Mona, Mike Chandler, Steve Chandler and John Ayres

Win-at-all-Costs: Captain David Hobday, Doug Maxted, Ken and Ben Lees

With the Win-at-all-Costs being in complete disarray, a team had to be hastily put together to take on the ambitious Mixed Bag. Picking from Eastcote Cricket Club’s vast talent pool, soon a team consisting of David, Doug, Ken and Ben had been assembled. However, the speed of assembly did mean that the team’s state resembled the predicament of four men in a boat… that was too small …without a paddle … up the creak.

Mixed Bag on the other hand, are like a well oiled machine. Captain Mona’s captaincy style has been to tell her players that each of them is responsible for themselves – a dangerous idea to apply club wide but certainly for Mixed Bag this approach has worked well.

Predictably, the four men in a boat sunk without a trace 7-1

Calendar Girls vs Coach & Horses 6-7

Calendar Girls: Captain Zara, Corrine, Tracey and

Coach & Horses: Captain Dipen Shah, Minesh Patel, Hemal Wijesuriya and Dev Ambasna

The Calendar Girls had high hopes of qualifying for the finals this year. All they had to do was beat the Coach & Horses. Leading 6-3, they had every chance to win. But the coaches combined their fine skills with a strong rear guard action to make a comeback and claim the win.

The Coaches can put the improvement of their skills down to their secretive and novel way of practicing … with oranges. This is a method introduced by Dev Amabsna and one that appears to have been adopted by the team. However, they gave away their secret technique by shouting “What a jaffa’ every time they threw a good ball.

Few Good Men vs Stunts 7-3

Few Good Men: Captain Clive Wallis, Zac Wallis, Will Bramble and

Stunts: Captain Matt Savage, Stanley, Charlie Hobday and Sumo

Captain Wallis walked into the bowls arena making a bold statement. Emblazoned on his t-shirt was what appeared to be Russian lettering.

It was assumed this principled man was making a profound statement about Russia’s illegal annexation of Crimea. It later transpired that he had been wearing his T-shirt inside out and that the writing on the T-shirt was simply ‘Motorcycle Repair’.

This week, the Stunts had been strengthened by the return of Nick Stevens otherwise known as ‘Sumo’ because of his resemblance to a sumo wrestler in his early years. These days Nick resembles a vegetarian sumo wrestler … on a serious diet. Even Sumo’s return to strengthen the team was not sufficient to hold back the resurgent Few Good Men as they rolled over the Stunts 7-3. Eight year old Zac Wallis, making his debut showed with a fine display why he is going to be force to be reckoned with in years to come.

Carpet Burners vs Glamour Girls 7-3

Carpet Burners: Captain Natalie Waters, Max Walker, David Wakefield and Leigh Naughton

Glamour Girls: Captain Louise Hobday, Denise Broom, Lyn Stevens, Gill Maxted and Janet Thom

It is well known that a modicum of drink helps your bowls. Too tight or too relaxed is not good but optimally relaxed is good. Over a social drinking evening all players reach their optimal level at different points in the evening. If their match coincides with that optimal time the player is naturally going to be on fire.

This is what Janet Thom found in this match. From 22:05 to 22:12 she was at her devastating best making some fine throws for the Glamour Girls. Unfortunately for the Glamour Girls, Captain Natalie for the Carpet Burners was also having her purple patch, this from 22:10 to 22:23. Natalie’s fine display together with a strong display from the rest of the team saw the Carpet Burners home 7-3. The science of optimal drinking is catching on in the Indoor Bowls world.

Eastcote Pride vs WrongUns 7-5

WrongUns: Captain James Mans, Sam Moody, Phil Smith and Adam Harding

Eastcote Pride: Captain John Clouting, Lee Hutton, John White, James Fielding, Andrew Wakeford and Mike Woodgate

WrongUns approached this match sweating on the arrival of their stalwart, Adam Harding. Recently, the Crown Prosecution Service has been taking a keen interest on Adam, so keen that they have offered him a job. But now his team was wondering whether he could prosecute a tube journey in time for their match. They need not have worried as Mr Harding arrived on the nick of time fully equipped with a sharp suit and brief case.

Taking on the formidable Eastcote Pride was always going to be tough for the WrongUns. Their display however showed why the WrongUns are title contenders as they went on to outplay a strong Pride side to win 7-5.

Eastcote Pride had been top of the table coming into this round. For QPR fan John White this was naturally an unaccustomed position to be in. Now that they are off the top of the table following this defeat, he can no doubt sleep a lot easier.

2014 Indoor Bowls Week 5

Note: The below account of the bowls evening is by Path Rasan. The inaccuracy of the reporting can be guaranteed given the fog of bowls.

EASCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS REPORT: WEEK 5 of 7

The Eastcote Bowls Tournament reached fever pitch today as teams jostled for supremacy. Virtually all of the teams have the chance to qualify for the prestigious finals day to stand the chance of winning the coveted Eastcote Indoor Bowls Trophy. The pivotal final round is scheduled to be played this Friday the 21^st of March.

The Club Calendar retailing for £5 was also on show at the club this evening. Sam Moody, the architect of this masterpiece has assembled some fine photographs of people and places associated with the club. With his new status, an invitation from Sam to lie on his couch so that he can take a picture of you has now surely got to be seen in a different light.

Mixed Bag vs Stunts 7-1

Stunts: Captain Stanley, Andy Thom, Triston and Charlie Hobday

Mixed Bag: Captain Mona, Mike Chandler, Steve Chandler and John Ayres

Mixed Bag came into this match with ambition. They were taking on the Stunts who were without their hotshot player Captain Savage. In his place was veteran Andy Thom. His day at the office can be judged by his frequent comment immediately after he has released the ball “Where is this going?” No one knew

Despite The Stunts best efforts, Mixed Bag rolled them over to win 7-1. The following day at the Caribbean night, some members of Mixed Bag were seen celebrating as they partied late into the night. The legendary John Ayres was one of the first on the dance floor with a dance style that entailed some vigorous rhythm. Pity the musicians were not able to keep to his beat.

Win-at-all-Cost vs Glamour Girls 6-7

Glamour Girls: Captain Denise Broom, Lyn Stevens, Gill Maxted and Janet Thom

Win-at-all-Costs: Captain Simon Byrne, Chris Ede, Hitesh Chauhan and Mark Tarsey

Win-at-all-Costs were taking on wooden spoon elect, Glamour Girls today. Here was a great chance to register their first win. They had co-opted cricketing past master Mark Tarsey and accountant by style, accountant by substance Hitesh Chauhan. The flare and the calculation they brought appeared to work as they sped to a 6-3 lead searching for one more point to secure the match.

Glamour Girl shoe-in Gill Maxted was making her debut today. Soon she was called upon to save a loosing situation by smashing the jack. Her vicious throw missed both, jack and Doug her husband standing at the back. It was not as much a shot across the bows as a shot between the bows. What ever the target, Doug’s attentiveness to his wife’s need was at raised levels for the rest of the evening.

The collective efforts of Denise, Lyn, Janet and Gill saw a resurgence by the Glamour Girls as they went on to take the match 7-6.

Carpet Burners vs WrongUns 2-7

Carpet Burners: Captain Natalie Waters, Max Walker, David Wakefield and Leigh Naughton

WrongUns: Captain James Mans, Sam Moody, Phil Smith, Paul Manley

Music is an integral part of bowls. Typically each team can be identified by the song they walk out to. The Carpet Burners entered the bowls arena to Rocking All over the World by Status Quo. The WrongUns on the other hand appeared to have chosen as their anthem The Lion Sleeps Tonight by Tight Fit. If it is the animal spirits that they wanted to ignite then the lyrics “Eeeee, eeeeee, um, mububay. wimoweh, wimoweh,” would surely have done it for them.

Sure enough, the WrongUns attitude was more akin to stalking lions as they squared up against the resurgent Carpet Burners. After all, they needed to make amends following the 9-0 thrashing that they had received at the hands of the Stunts the previous week. Soon it was clear that it was going to be all one way as the clinical WrongUns swept the match 7-2. Today, the Carpet Burners were more at the receiving end – less Carpet Burners and more Carpet Burnees.

Few Good Men vs Calendar Girls 3-7

Few Good Men: Captain Clive Wallis, Aaran Philips, Macy Wallis and Will Bramble

Calendar Girls: Captain Zara, Corrine, Kat Touhey and Tracey

The rejuvenated Calendar Girls were taking on Few Good Men tonight. The reason for much of their revival can be traced to their captain Zara. Captain Zara probably has the best stance at the point of delivery. Beautifully balanced, with the eyes firmly set on the jack as she slowly and deliberately draws her hand back and whoosh throws it straight into the crowd. But that is usually the first couple of rounds. Once she has tuned in her aim is lethal

With some key players missing for the Few Good Men, Aaron Philips is a mainstay now. Promoted recently from the Few Good Boys team by virtue of owning his personal shaving razor, Aaron has been notable for his fine displays. But today no amount of fine displays were going to deter the Calendar Girls galloping to a well deserved 7-3 win.

Eastcote Pride vs Coach & Horses 7-3

Eastcote Pride: Captain John Clouting, Lee Hutton, John White, James Fielding, Andrew Wakeford and Mike Woodgate

Coach & Horses: Captain Dipen Shah, Minesh Patel, Satyen Lakhani and Dev Ambasna

The Pride were taking on the dangerous Coach and Horses. The technically superb, Coaches were however always going to challenged against the mighty Pride. Despite a spirited fight the Coach and Horses went down 7-3

This season, the maturing Eastcote Team had brought in young James Fielding to inject some irrational exuberance into their ranks. James has been on an induction course with the Pride over the past few weeks. After some intensive training he now groans like the rest of his teammates when bending over to pick up the ball and has a cup of cocoa before bed. His training is now appears complete.

2014 Indoor Bowls week 4

Note: The below account of the bowls evening is by Path Rasan. The inaccuracy of the reporting can be guaranteed given the fog of bowls.

EASCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS REPORT: WEEK 4 of 7

The fourth round of bowls was characterised by intense competition with teams jockeying for position to get into the all important finals day. Teams have two more critical matches to ensure a place in the finals. The next round is on Friday the 7^th of March.

Carpet Burners vs Mixed Bag 9-8

Carpet Burners: Captain Natalie Waters, Max Walker, David Wakefield and Leigh Naughton

Mixed Bag: Captain Mona, Mike Chandler, Steve Chandler and John Ayres

Tonight, Carpet Burners were taking on top of the table Mixed Bag, a contest that promised a lot. The bowls spectators were not disappointed. A match of high quality and highly competitive was played. The scores remained neck and neck as it reached 8-8 with the sudden death point to be played. The nail biting final point was taken by Carpet Burners to win the match 9-8.

Calendar Girls vs Glamour Girls 9-6

Calendar Girls: Captain Zara, Corrine, Debbie and Courtney

Glamour Girls: Captain Louise Hobday, Louisa Savage and Denise Broom and Janet Thom

And then the battle the bowls crowd had been waiting for, the all girls contest. The Glamour Girls trying to get off the bottom of the table and the Calendar Girls striving to get to finals day. The intensity of the match was only evident by the odd raising of eyebrow or the pursing of lips but intense it was. It was a tight game that Calendar Girls went on to wind 9-6.

Few Good Men vs Eastcote Pride 5-9

Few Good Men: Captain Paul Marting, Aran Philips, Matt Hobday and Ben Lees

Eastcote Pride: Captain John Clouting, Lee Hutton, John White, Alan Fineman and James Fielding

With Clive Wallis on assignment, he had picked a high powered team to take on Eastcote Pride. On the night however, Paul Martin realised that he had inherited the captaincy by virtue of the fact that he was the only man from team present. Soon to join him was Aaron Phillips.

To pick a few good men in a club with loads on good men is no problem at all. Soon there was a full complement - Matt Hobday and Ben Lees

As good as the debutants were, this was no way of approaching a contest with the formidable Eastcote Pride. The Few Good Men found this out the hard way as they were steam rollered to a 5-9 defeat.

Stunts vs WrongUns 9-0

Cunning Stunts: Captain Matt Savage, Stanley, Sumo and Charlie Hobday

WrongUns: Captain James Mans, Sam Moody, Adam Harding, Phil Smith, Paul Manley

These two testosterone filled sides took very different approaches to this match. The Stunts appeared to have been meditating. They looked serene. They appeared to be in a zen like state.

In contrast, the WrongUns had been preparing for this late match from 8pm. They appeared optimally prepared at 9pm but were certainly over the edge by the time it was their turn to play. High fives even before the match started was clue to their status.

A four point first round to the Stunts was an indication of how the match was likely to proceed. Soon it proved to be as the Stunts ran away with the match 9-0 before returning back to their Zen like state. The Wrong-Uns on the other hand continued to party making it unclear as to which team had taken the better option.

2014 Indoor Bowls Week 3

Note: The below account of the bowls evening is by Path Rasan. The inaccuracy of the reporting can be guaranteed given the fog of bowls.

EASCOTE CC INDOOR BOWLS REPORT: WEEK 3 of 7

Breaking News: With three straight wins Mixed Bag are top of the table! They are riding so high they risk a nose bleed. The form book appears to have been shredded this year as all ten teams hold out the dream of qualifying for that all important finals day. The next episode of this enthralling contest starts at 8pm this Friday the 22^nd of February.

	Won	Lost
Mixed Bag	3	0
Eastcote Pride	2	1
WrongUns	2	1
The Stunts	2	1
Carpet Burners	2	1
Coach & Horses	1.5	1.5
Few Good Men	1	2
Calendar Girls	1	2
Win-at-all-costs	0.5	2.5
Glamour Girls	0	3

Stunts vs Coach & Horses 5-9

Cunning Stunts: Captain Matt Savage, Stanley, Sumo and Charlie Hobday

Coach & Horses: Captain Dipen Shah, Minesh Patel, Hemal Wijesuriya and Teshan Wijesuriya

The evening had started with Captain Savage making a statement. Matt was wearing a T-shirt emblazoned Superdry, reflecting his status at the start of evening. To reflect his status at the end of the evening, he will be well advised to have ready another T-shirt, emblazoned “pissed and wasted”.

The Stunts were taking on a team that had been soundly beaten in the previous round. However, Coaches being coaches, they had come prepared. Hemal had passed on his step by step guide to his team mates Minesh and Dipen, a routine that has worked well for him. It is understood that the routine goes something like this.

First, tell the wife to mind her own business. Move out the furniture from the front room. Tell the wife to stop making a scene. Mark out the carpet. Tell the wife to stop shouting. Practice for six hours a day. Report the wife to the police for threatening behaviour. The result? An improved chance of winning the coveted Eastcote Bowls Trophy. Today they proved the routine’s effectiveness by beating the Stunts 9-5

Win-at-all-Costs vs WrongUns 0-9

WrongUns: Captain James Mans, Sam Moody, Adam Harding, Phil Smith

Win-at-all-cost: Captain James Hudson, Simon Byrne, Chris Ede and Ian Forsyth

Relative amateurs, Win-at-all-Cost were making only their second appearance today. The first element a bowls player has got to get used is the bias of the ball and the adjustment you have to make for the natural curvature of its path. The ball has to be directed away from the target with the knowledge that the ball will curve towards it eventually. Now, to direct the ball away from the target you need self belief or be suitably tanked up. Captain Hudson will be well advised to get his troops to be more bubbly and in high spirits. As it turns out, both, the bubbly and spirits are available behind the bar. On current showing Simon Byrne and Chris Ede may well require an intravenous drip to give them the required level of ‘self belief’.

In contrast, WrongUns are past masters and they were on fire tonight, gas mark of nearly 10. Lead by Captain Mans, the team was superbly drilled. Their coordinated team work was as good as any Masterchef super teams that you may have seen. They were too strong for Win-at-all-Costs beating them 9-0. As for Win-at-all-Costs, so far the only win that they have is what is in their name.

Few Good Men vs Glamour Girls 9-6

Few Good Men: Captain Clive Wallis, Paul Martin, Will Bramble, James Clouting and Marc Broom

Glamour Girls: Captain Louise Hobday, Lyn Stevens, Louisa Savage and Kat

A late drop out meant Captain Louise was a Glamour Girl short. At Eastcote Cricket Club this is not a problem. Almost at random, Captain Louise picked out a player from the crowd. Enter Kat Tuohy a Glamour Girl personified and cricketer who took to bowls like a duck to water. Kat is a modern have-it-all-girl with only one thing missing in her life – a 50 to her name at cricket. She is working hard to achieve her ultimate goal this cricket season with the help of the cricketers who have volunteered to coach. It appears that boys are particularly keen to coach the important aspect of correct body position.

It is well known that Captain Wallis can put on a good show but today’s drama was priceless. Organised chaos is another description. First, five minutes before the match starts, Paul Martin leaves stage left. Ten minutes after the match had started, Will Bramble makes his entrance stage right to Montserrat time. Five minutes later Marc Broom turns up to er…. Marc Broom time. Then Paul Martin enters stage right.

During all this time, with Louisa playing a storming match, the Glamour Girls had taken a 6-1 lead and were poised to cause a massive upset. And then the big comeback from the Few Good Men to wrest victory from the jaws of defeat. It was enthralling stuff that kept the bowls spectators on their toes.

Calendar Girls vs Carpet Burners 5-9

Calendar Girls: Captain Zara, Tracey, Corrine, Carmel and Alesha

Carpet Burners: Captain Natalie Waters, Max Walker, David Wakefield and Courtney

The aspiring Calendar Girls were taking on the Carpet Burners today. Envious of the three point start the all girls teams receive, highly competitive Captain Natalie has been considering all option in a desperate bid to find a way to qualify for a three point start. It is not clear whether she has discussed her preferred option with Max and David. They will find out soon enough when the date for their operation comes through.

It was no surprise to see that the Calendar Girls had a photographer on tow today. It was Corrine’s husband Ken - a David Bailey like figure but with an iphone. The girls are no strangers to the camera as they took the presence of it in their stride. To take the right angles, photographer Ken was having to get into all sorts of really contorted shapes. It was clear he can easily match the lucrative careers of the models he was photographing with a lucrative career of his own – as a contortionist.

Ken’s photographs no doubt would have captured the high drama as the Carpet Burners went on to beat the Calendar Girls 9-5 in what was a see-saw battle.

Mixed Bag vs Eastcote Pride 9-8

Mixed Bag: Captain Mona, Mike Chandler, Steve Chandler, John Ayres

Eastcote Pride: Captain John Clouting, Lee Hutton, Mike Woodgate, David White, Andrew Wakeford and James Fielding

On paper this was going to be an easy win for the mighty Eastcote Pride. However, the game turned out all but that as Mixed Bag played a fantastic game to outplay the reigning champions to win the match 9-8.

It can now be revealed that the bowls legend known as John White wants to return to his more exotic real name, David White. In doing so, he will have to give up his legendary status to return to being an unknown again. Looking at Pride’s performance today, returning back to legendary status may take him a while yet.

Touching moment …

One of the most touching moments at the club this evening was to see Marc Broom’s young son Harrison bringing a pint of Guinness to his dad even before Marc could take his coat off. Good boy! Looking around the crowd, all the dads without exception had a lump in their throat to see this admirable gesture and a tear in their eye at the realisation of their own failure to teach their sons these important values. They need not fear of their continued failure any longer. To touch up on their limited skills they can sign up to the soon to run Marc Broom parenting classes.

2014 Indoor Bowls Week 2

Note: The below account of the bowls evening is by Path Rasan. The inaccuracy of the reporting can be guaranteed given the fog of bowls.

EASCOTE INDOOR BOWLS: WEEK 2

The second episode of indoor bowls at Eastcote Cricket Club turned out to be a dramatic affair. There were tears joy, general run of the mill sorrow and credible conspiracy theories floating around. Shock results invariably produce this combination of outcome. The next enthralling episode of indoor bowls is on Friday the 7^th of February - an opportunity for you to enjoy the real life drama that will unfold around you.

Stunts vs Glamour Girl 7-3

Cunning Stunts: Captain Matt Savage, Stanley, Sumo and Charlie Hobday

Glamour Girls: Captain Louise Hobday, Lyn Stevens, Janet Thom and Denise Broom

This contest was always going to be tricky with families at logger heads. In this match, Stanley and Lyn were in opposing sides. Stanley’s evolution is well documented. The serene Lyn who evolved 10,000 years later was being hampered by Stanley from behind as she settled down to throw the ball. Umpire Phil Smith composing his next pointless wisecrack and had no idea what was going on.

Also, Former U12 skittles champion, Captain Louise Hobday had her son in the opposition. This is Charlie Hobday, the only white guy at Eastcote CC who has perfected Rasta Walk - that rhythmic walk that looks like one leg is shorter than the other. Get it right and it looks fantastically cool. Get it wrong, as many have at the club and you look like a guy with an unbalanced set of organs.

Between Stanley’s gamesmanship and Charlie’s coolness, the Stunts had too much ammunition to shoot down the challenge from the Glamour Girls to win 7-3.

Mixed Bag vs Colts Parents (renamed Coach & Horses) 7-2

Mixed Bag: Captain Mona, Mike Chandler, Steve Chandler, John Ayres

Coach & Horses: Captain Dipen Shah, Minesh Patel, Hemal Wijesuriya, Teshan Wijesuriya and Vikesh Patel

Mixed bag were taking on a team making their debut. Captained by Dipen Shah, the Coach & Horses is a team consisting of the coaches and the mums and dads of colts. In the absence of Captain Shah, the high flying coaches Hemal and Minesh were approaching the game with technique, structure and discipline. They were taking on a team entirely dependent on instinct. A case in point is the legendary John Ayres, the 1922 Eastcote junior champion. With his 20/20 vision now down to 14/16 his game has moved from precision to instinct.

John does not bother to look at where the jack is anymore. He bases his throws on a mental framework based on the position of the piano, the Guinness pump at the bar and where the umpire is standing. If the umpire is standing exactly a yard behind the jack as he should then John’s game is sublime. Anything else, it can look a bit ridiculous.

Tonight instinct beat technique as Mixed Bag went on to beat Coach & Horses 7-2.

Few Good Men vs Carpet Burners 3-7

Carpet Burners: Captain Natalie Waters, Max Walker, David Wakefield and Leigh Naughton

Few Good Men: Captain Clive Wallis, Paul Martin, Will Bramble, Aran Philips and Marc Broom

The bowls evening had started with Max Walker presenting Eastcote CC’s latest culinary delight - chips. Optimally blended with cholesterol, the chips were heavenly. As Max kept offering them, Marc Broom kept eating them. After the third bowl of chips there was an audible twang which only the trained ear would have heard. It was Marc’s six pack dropping down to 5 ½ pack. This imbalance would later affect Marc’s game and fuel conspiracy theories.

The match started off in a light hearted tone. Soon, the Carpet Burners were pulling away. Captain Wallis turned to his key man Marc Broom to swing the game back in their favour. But out of balance Marc was misfiring. A throw half a chip wide at the beginning was ending up being a potato field out at the end. Moral of the story: for balance and coordination, having no pack at all is better than having 5 ½ pack

With the Few Good Men underperforming on the night, the Carpet Burners went on to win the match 3-7. There was heated debate among the crowd on whether this was a conspiracy or just an extra bowl of chips.

Calendar Girls vs WrongUns 7-5

WrongUns: Captain James Mans, Sam Moody, Adam Harding, Phil Smith

Calendar Girls: Captain Zara, Tracey, Corrine, Carmel and Alesha

Captain of Calendar Girls, Zara has rotated her squad like no other. In two games Captain Zara has unveiled 12 of her players – enough to make a calendar. However, strangely, none of them appear to represent fading autumns or cold winters. Instead, they all appear to symbolise delightful spring or sizzling hot summer. There is still some time in the season for her to wheel out the winter ones.

The Calendar Girls were taking on WrongUns who were on a high having beaten the mighty Few Good Men in the previous round. In his rousing pep talk Captain Mans made it clear that consumption of chips was banned for his team but instead they could look forward to some pudding after the match, a match they were expected to win easily.

The match however did not go to plan. The Calendar Girls pulled off a massive shock by winning the match 7-5. There were naturally tears of joy from the girls. As for WrongUns they were shattered - shattered to find that the club was not serving pudding tonight.

Eastcote Pride vs Table Tennis (renamed Win-at-all-cost) 7-1

Eastcote Pride: Captain John Clouting, Lee Hutton, Mike Woodgate, David White, Andrew Wakeford and James Fielding

Win-at-all-cost: Captain James Hudson, Simon Byrne, Chris Ede, Sharon Ede and Luke Ede

This was another match where a team was making a debut. Win-at-all-Costs, Captained by James Hudson is a team representing the table tennis enthusiasts at the club. James could be easily mistaken for his body double and namesake Rock. But unlike Rock, James is unlikely to disappoint the ladies.

Unfortunately for the Win-at-all-Costs, they were taking on the reigning champions captained by Lee Hutton in the absence of Captain Clouting. The contrast in approach of these two bowls legends is stark. If Captain Clouting is like Shere Kahn the tiger in Disney’s Jungle Book then Captain Lee is like Kaa the python. He will just relieve you of your faculties in the nicest possible way – evidenced by Win-at-all-Costs’ happy demeanour after what was a damn good thrashing.

With the music really hotting up, trained dancer and umpire Denise Broom could not help but shimmy off the floor on three separate occasions. The line of the song triggering this side ways movement went ‘Oh oh oh oh, Oh oh oh oh and the song itself was https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sfKbWzdTcBY . If you listened to the song you are bound to feel that Denise’s dereliction of umpiring duty was thoroughly justified.

2014 Indoor Bowls Week 1

Note: The below account of the bowls evening is by Path Rasan. The inaccuracy of the reporting can be guaranteed given the fog of bowls.

EASCOTE INDOOR BOWLS: WEEK 1

The 2014 Bowls Competition got off to a glorious start with the aromatic smell of spicy grilled chicken wafting through the air. Spicy Chicken in a Bun on offer at the bowls was a roaring success. The players and fans wait with baited breath to see what culinary delights awaits them at the club the next time around. Asked about the menu, Max Walker uttered that 5 letter word that could revolutionise catering at Eastcote CC – “chips”. There is a risk this event could soon become a Come Dine With Me competition with Bowls on the side.

The food, the great foot tapping music, social intercourse together with the bowls action made the evening an enjoyable one for all concerned. For those who missed it, Friday the 24^th of January would be a fine opportunity to join in the fun. It is a not-to-be-missed social evening at the club.

Glamour Girls vs Mixed Bag 4-9

Glamour Girls: Captain Louise Hobday, Lyn Stevens, Janet Thom, Lucy Hall, Louisa Savage

Mixed Bag: Captain Mona, Mike Chandler, Steve Chandler, John Eyres

The bowls league management in their wisdom had made a significant rule change. They had recognised that the all girl teams who are the fashion icons of the club had a built in disadvantage – the conundrum of throwing that perfect bowl while protecting their immaculately manicured nails. To compensate for this unfortunate but necessary disadvantage they had decreed that the all-girl teams will get a 3 points start. This is not a reflection on their innate ability. All information coming in suggests that these girls are very athletic indeed … but that is a different story. More importantly they are excellent bowls players simply held back by their natural charm

The coordinated outfits by fashion icons Lyn and Janet had not gone unnoticed. They were both wearing blue and white striped tops but cleverly and precisely out of sync such that the stripes meshed together. From one angle it appeared they were both wearing blue and from the other white – remarkable! This observation was made quite late in the evening and as such is prone to error.

The girls were taking on Mixed Bag. These legends of the game, Mona, Mike Chandler and John Eyres have been brought back to prime condition by team mate and resident osteopath Steve Chandler. Faisal remains as manager - after all there is a limit to what osteopathy can do.

Mixed Bag were on song this evening running away winners 9-4 despite the valiant efforts of the Glamour Girls

Stunts vs Carpet Burners 9-4

Cunning Stunts: Captain Matt Savage, Stanley, Sumo and Charlie Hobday

Carpet Burners: Captain Natalie Waters, Max Walker, Alice and Billie

The Stunts under the captaincy of Matt Savage represent the 2^nd cricket team. They are the stallions of the club - a team that is endowed with more energy than sense. They are nicely counter balanced with a wise head (or is it a wisecrack head) in Stanley. If cricket in a simple sense is ‘see ball hit ball’ these boys typically tend towards ‘hit ball see ball’. However, the exuberance of youth serves them well.

The Stunts were taking on the Carpet Burners sporting two debutants in Alice and Billie. Despite a fair share of on-field coaching the Stunts proved to be too strong, winning the match 9-4.

The game was astutely umpired by Sam Moody sporting a unique style of facial hair – a style that appeared to be a contest between Brad Pitt’s designer stubble and Captain Birdseye’s brush. It appeared that the Captain Birdseye was winning this battle.

Few Good Men vs WrongUns 7-9

Few Good Men: Captain Clive Wallis, Paul Martin, Will Bramble and Aran Philips

WrongUns: Captain James Mans, Sam Moody, Adam Harding, Phil Smith, Chris Thom and Adam Holmes

This clash was always going to be a tight one. The former champions under new captain Clive Wallis were taking on the talented WrongUns. Soon the contest had hotted up, so hot that Captain Wallis had to take off his fashionable jumper. And there it was, a tee shirt on a coat hanger later to be identified as Captain Wallis himself. Later, whipping out a magnifying glass Captain Wallis would reveal the excess ounce he had to lose on his midriff and the two ounces he would have to put on his shoulders to reach perfection. This perfect beach body in a muscle vest will be patrolling a boundary line near you this summer.

The Few Good Men are made up from cricketing past masters. It is not always clear whether the emphasis ought to be on the ‘past’ or ‘masters’. In a ‘see ball hit ball’ context these boys are more like ‘see ball and ask someone to hit ball’. As the raw powers of these stallions have slowly slipped away they have taken on the guile and panache of dressage horses.

The Few Good Men were taking on the talented WrongUns. They are the young guns of Eastcote Cricket Club. Their interests are well looked after by the wisdom of Captain James Mans – a big daddy if you like. For example, the email announcing that food will be served had a response in a matter of seconds – “When would food be served”? Captain Mans was only asking on behalf of his team as he himself does not care much for food.

If the Few Good Men represent the head and the exuberant Stunts represent the heart then the WrongUns consisting of Eastcote CC’s cricketing future are the K9’s valuables. Today, the K9’s valuable beat the head 9-7.

Calendar Girls vs Eastcote Pride 3-9

Calendar Girls: Captain Zara, Tracey, Beverly, Mel, Chloe, Cat and Courtney

Eastcote Pride: Captain John Clouting, Lee Hutton, Peter Tilsed, Andrew Wakeford and James Fielding

For the last two years Will Bramble had lent his muscle to the Calendar Girls. As the rule awarding a 3 points start to the all girl team was announced Will knew his time was up. The crest fallen Will said “They are going to find the 3 points more valuable than me” as he slinked off to join the Few Good Men.

As the Calendar Girls walked into the bowls arena after a late night photo shoot it was obvious that numbers was not a problem. They had seven in their squad! They appeared to be in their modelling mode as they strode confidently across the floor swinging their hips. It was hot and sizzling but that could have because the central heating had been turned up a bit too high.

Debutant Mel appeared to be a real find. Her bowls was good and celebrations even better. She appeared to have a John Travolta type of pelvic movements and more - ones not seen in the environs of Eastcote. It was entertaining, appropriate and very provocative. The boys of Eastcote Pride were fixated. They had one thing and only one thing on their mind - how to win that trophy – the bowls trophy. Sexual tension is alive and kicking at the Eastcote Cricket Club but not in the minds of these boys

Indoor Bowls Finals report 2013

The story of the 2013 bowls tournament including the latest report is now available on https://eastcotecc.secure-club.com/pages/page_23383/Indoor-Bowls.aspx together with a picture gallery of the finals https://eastcotecc.secureclub.com/gallery/galleryid_10910/Bowls.aspx.

Note: The below account of the last bowls evening is by Path Rasan, last seen taking notes without his glasses and with a vivid imagination. This report may well be factually challenged and as such should only be ingested with a pinch of salt.

Eastcote Pride stormed to glory in the finals of the Eastcote Bowls competition, winning the prestigious Eastcote Indoor bowls trophy for the second time in four years. They were ebullient, cock-a-hoop even until the team doctor asked them to calm down for health reasons. Below is how the story unfolded.

EASCOTE INDOOR BOWLS: EASTCOTE PRIDE TAKE THE TITLE

SEMI-FINAL 1: Eastcote Pride vs WrongUns 9-1

Eastcote Pride: Captain Lee Hutton, Mike Woodgate, Mark Fielding and Andrew Wakeford

WrongUns: Captain James Mans, Phil Smith, Adam Holmes and Adam Harding

The young guns of WrongUns were up for it. They had prepared mentally and physically for this contest. They had even taken a vow of celibacy in the hope of focusing on just one thing (these boys don’t believe in multi-tasking). They were taking on past masters Eastcote Pride who are formidable opponents indeed. With a fine first round the Pride took an early lead and never looked back from there, eventually going on to win 9-1. The WrongUns could now forget about the bowls trophy and focus on just one thing again. They could now put their vow of celibacy to bed

SEMI-FINAL 2: The Stunts vs Mixed Bag 9-1

Cunning Stunts: Captain Will Dunn, Matt Savage, Stanley, Clint Wolverson

Mixed Bag: Captain Mona, Mike Chandler, Steve Chandler, John Eyres

Resident osteopath Steve Chandler had been busy all week preparing his Mixed Bag team mates to be in perfect physical condition for this match. The legendary John Eyres was looking in fine fettle, stud like even. Mona was sizzling with energy and appeared to be levitating. As for his dad Mike, there wasn’t much Steve could do, just a bit of make up to spruce him up.

Mixed Bag had to be at their very best if they were to have a chance of beating the Stunts. The Stunts were the form team playing some fine bowls. Soon it was obvious that the perfectly conditioned Mixed Bag were up for a marathon but not for a sprint. An early lead by the Stunts soon began to extend. Before Mixed Bag could recover the match was over 9-1 in favour of the Stunts.

WOODEN SPOON CONTEST: Glamour Girls vs Calendar Girls 3-9

Glamour Girls: Captain Louise Hobday, Lyn Stevens, Janet Thom and Rebecca Williams

Calendar Girls: Captain Zara, Chloe, Tracey and Will Bramble

This was going to be an intense contest to avoid the wooden spoon. By virtue of ending up at the bottom of the table, these two teams had qualified for the contest. They were playing to avoid the wooden spoon.

A late pull out meant that Glamour Girls were short of a player. At Eastcote where glamour girls galore, Captain Louise had no difficulties finding a replacement. Step forward glamour personified Rebecca Williams. For the Calendar Girls, Captain Zara had picked a very strong side and soon the Calendar Girls it proved to be as they went on to win 9-3. With the loss of this contest too the Glamour Girls completed a double. It was like winning the league and the cup but at the bottom of the table.

THE FINALS: Eastcote Pride vs The Stunts 9-6

It was apt that the best two teams in the league had qualified to play the finals. The wily experienced Eastcote Pride and the testosterone fuelled Stunts. Leading the round for Eastcote Pride was Mark Fielding. It was obvious that he had turned up ready for a brawl. Shampooed and set, his moustache alone looked like it can brush aside the opposition.

The Stunts have been the best team not to win the Bowls title to date. Captain Savage had handed the captaincy arm-band to Captain Dunn for the day. The all conquering Captain Dunn had now the task of changing history. Eastcote Pride took an early lead which they extended fast. The Stunts caught by surprise, started a late fight back pulling back an 8-1 deficit to 8-6. A round that was then decided literally by a millimetre then gave Eastcote Pride the victory and with it the Eastcote trophy. Captain Clouting had navigated his ship to victory once again.

The Stunts on the other hand had failed yet again to reach the pinnacle of the indoor bowls world. They must now be feeling like Andy Murray before he won the US Open, his first major title. They may take the same route Andy Murray did to change things, namely to build a perfect body as a first step to winning. In this respect, Matt Savage and Clint Wolverson are well on their way and Stanley is known to have an impressive muscle or two. You can imagine Will Dunn with a buff body. You have to imagine because it is never going to happen for this fan of everything kebab.

And then controversy …

The incident had started innocently enough. The Calendar Girls had approached Eastcote Pride and made a proposition. “If you will let us tie you up and gag you, we will hold your trophy”. Little did the boys of Eastcote Pride realise the trophy the girls were referring to was the Bowls Trophy! Soon the Calendar Girls were posing for photographs with the prestigious Eastcote Bowls Trophy.

Then the audacious bid to have the picture published on the Eastcote website. First they introduced Eastcote kingpin Billy Walker to his namesake, Jonny Walker and soon Billy was putty in the girls’ hands. They then convinced Billy to send the pictures to the Eastcote website czar, Dipen Shah for publication. The bid to publish passed all the questions raised by the security algorithm of the website except this one. Could the Calendar Girls have won the Eastcote Bowls Trophy? The computer said “No bloody chance” and the game was up for the girls and the plot was thwarted.

If the award was for the prettiest team, the Calendar Girls would naturally have beaten the Pride convincingly. Now there is a thought for this winter – a beauty contest!

Week 6 report

Friday the 5^th of April sees the culmination of six intense rounds of bowls. In the finals at Eastcote Cricket Club, four of the best teams in the league will be competing for the prestigious Eastcote Indoor Bowls Trophy. The Calendar Girls and the Glamour Girls will be competing for the wooden spoon. The evening is bound to be a lot of fun. It is well worth a visit.

Note: The below account of the last bowls evening is by Path Rasan, last seen taking notes without his glasses and with a vivid imagination. This report may well be factually challenged and as such should only be ingested with a pinch of salt.

RESULTS TABLE - 2013 INDOOR BOWLS TOURNAMENT
	Won	Lost	Pts Scored	Pts Conceded	Net Score
Cunning Stunts	5	1	43	31	12
WrongUns	4	2	45	31	14
Eastcote Pride	4	2	39	32	7
Mixed Bag	4	2	37	32	5
Squirrels	3	3	37	27	10
Few Good Men	3	3	39	35	4
Carpet Burners	3	3	34	37	-3
Calendar Girls	1	5	28	47	-19
Glamour Girls	0	6	18	48	-30

EASCOTE INDOOR BOWLS: SHOCK EXIT OF TWO BOWLS TITANS

The indoor bowls world was shaken to the core with the shock exit of Squirrels, the defending champions and the 2011 champions the Few Good Men. It is an indication of how competitive the indoor bowls league has become. The ambitious WrongUns and the surprise package, Mixed Bag have made history by qualifying for the finals day. They join Eastcote Pride and the Stunts. A preview of the teams is below.

Few Good Men vs The Stunts 4-9

Few Good Men: Captain Clive Wallis, Marc Broom, Guy and Derick

Cunning Stunts: Captain Will Dunn, Stanley, Clint and Chris Wolverson

An early match meant Captain Matt Savage, climbing the greasy corporate pole was not available. This week’s debutants to the side were Clint and Chris Wolverson. No, they are not a same sex couple, Chris is short form for Christine. Clint is otherwise known as Rhino. The origin of the name is steeped in rumour and innuendo. One of his team mates speculated that it could be his rhino like behaviour on the cricket pitch or the fact that he is endangered because of his rhino like behaviour on the cricket pitch. However, in the bowls arena he was graceful as a …. ballerina as he glided around the bowls floor scoring heavily for the Stunts.

This was a must win game for the Few Good Men. Unfortunately, Captain Goodchild was not available for this match. Despite the presence of bowls giants Clive Wallis and Marc Broom, the Few Good Men were no match for the Stunts going down 4-9 and with it, losing the chance of making the semi-finals.

Calendar Girls vs Mixed Bag 3-9

Mixed Bag: Captain Mona, Mike Chandler, Steve Chandler, John Eyres

Calendar Girls: Captain Zara, Chloe, Corrine and Will Bramble

Mixed Bag was on the verge of making history. They had to win their match and hope the cookie crumbled in their favour. The Calendar Girls on the other hand had desires to qualify for the wooden spoon contest. The match went just as both teams desired with Mixed Bag winning 9-3.

WrongUns vs Carpet Burners 9-4

Carpet Burners: Captain Natalie Waters, Max Walker, Leigh Naughton and David Bowers

WrongUns: Captain James Mans, Phil Smith, Adam Holmes and Aaran Phillips

Given the results so far, this match literally became the quarter finals with the team that won, certain to be in the semi-finals. The intense pressure already had one casualty as David Wakefield had to pull out late with a migraine. The Carpet Burners had to find a decent replacement. If you cannot find a good player as replacement, find someone who can act like one. Enter David Bowers, the West End (of Eastcote) actor. The style was excellent, the emotions were fantastic and as usual the results were rubbish.

Captain Natalie was wearing a designer dress for this important match. However, it appeared that her designer had short changed her, using less cloth for the front of the dress than that for the back. Instead, the design was relying on the powers of physics to hold things together.

The WrongUns strategy meeting was animated with the team deciding that Captain Natalie was the danger player. Captain Mans was especially concerned about Phil Smith and Adam Holmes. He was unsure whether these chivalrous boys could concentrate on the bowls knowing all along that they may have to leap to the defence of Captain Natalie in the event of a wardrobe malfunction. Captains Mans had no such qualms about himself.. “Such things don’t affect me” he said confidently. “I am a married man”. Right! As for young Aaron Phillips, who had only recently been weaned, the bottle was best and anything else is of no consequence.

Glamour Girls vs Eastcote Pride 1-9

Eastcote Pride: Captain Lee Hutton, Mike Woodgate, John White and David Wakeford

Glamour Girls: Captain Louise Hobday, Lyn Stevens, Denise Broom and Macy Wallis

Aspiring Glamour Girl Macy Wallis got her chance to represent her favourite team after a late pull out. Demonstrating that age has no advantage in bowls, young Macy put on a fine display. However, the Glamour Girls were taking on the formidable Eastcote Pride. The form book suggested that the Pride should win this match and that is just how it turned out with the match going to Pride 9-1.

PREVIEW

The Stunts

This team, representing the Eastcote 2^nd team cricketers has only achieved 2^nd in the bowls competition to date. Potentially the most talented team in the league, they have so far failed to rise to the occasion on the finals day. They represent the young and exuberant with a mental age to match – an age that is considerably lowered by the presence of Stanley in the side. Is this the year they come of age and lift that trophy?

Eastcote Pride

Captain Clouting has led the team once again to the finals day. The team is now on the verge of being the first to win the trophy multiple times in recent history. They used to be known as the young and randy brigade but that was 70 years ago. Today their fan base is dominated by the Eastcote pensioners. Representing such a well to do strata of society, the Pride have much to gain from the stardom and the associated commercial clout that would come with winning the championships. If they are lucky they could be endorsing blue rinse before the summer is out.

Mixed Bag

The underestimated Mixed Bag showed the importance of dedication. Their consistency paid off as they make their first entry into the semi-finals. Captain Mona ably supported by Vice Captain Mike Chandler has inspired a brand of bowls that has brought them success. And as to what you can expect from them on finals day? It is a mixed bag.

WrongUns

This team represents the Eastcote 4^th team cricketers. Led by Captain Mans, the team has entered the semi-finals for the first time and has only one objective – to win the trophy. To prepare for the contest, Captain Mans has demanded complete abstinence with no fraternisation with the opposite sex. A small indiscretion from Adam Harding has meant that his place is now in jeopardy. He has to convince his captain he went far but not far enough to break the rules. As for Captain Mans his weakness for the flesh only extends to a nice leg of lamb.

The Wooden Spoon Contest

The Calendar Girls and the Glamour Girls led by Captain Zara and Captain Louise respectively have been the canniest amongst all the teams. It better to qualify for the wooden spoon contest and have a chance of winning something rather than end up second and have nothing to show for it. These girls have demonstrated that in addition to their natural beauty they are also bequeathed with brains to match. This contest though is unlikely to be feminine and gentle. With winning being everything the contest is going to be as intense as mud wrestling.

Week 5 report

The next bowls night is on Friday the 22^nd of March.

Note: The below account of the last bowls evening is by Path Rasan, last seen taking notes without his glasses and with a vivid imagination. This report may well be factually challenged and as such should only be ingested with a pinch of salt.

EASCOTE INDOOR BOWLS: THE CHAMPIONSHIPS COMES TO THE BOIL

	Won	Lost	Pts Scored	Pts Conceded	Net Score
Cunning Stunts	4	1	34	27	7
Squirrels	3	3	37	27	10
Few Good Men	3	2	35	26	9
WrongUns	3	2	36	27	9
Carpet Burners	3	2	30	28	2
Eastcote Pride	3	2	30	31	-1
Mixed Bag	3	2	28	29	-1
Calendar Girls	1	4	25	38	-13
Glamour Girls	0	5	17	39	-22

As the crowds were streaming into the bowls arena at the start of the evening, there were two muscle men standing outside the door by the railings at the front of the club. No, they were not security guards but instead former rugby players Roger Norton and Doug Maxted. Impressively, these boys have continued to maintain their bulging muscles from their hey day, the muscles however not necessary held in their original places.

Inside the club, things were seriously hotting up. The recent bowls points table was indicating a nail biter. With one week to go, it was still unclear who the semi-finalists were going to be. Squirrels, the defending champions were hanging on by their fingernails for a place in the finals.

Eastcote Pride vs Squirrels 1-7

Squirrels: Captain Geoff Roan, June, Martin Barry and Charlie Hobday

Eastcote Pride: Captain Lee Hutton, Mike Woodgate, David White and Dipen Shah

Captain Clouting was on a mission this week. In his absence acting captain Lee Hutton was in charge. He had the big bazooka, Mike Woodgate back in the side but a late drop out of his other big bazooka Mark Fielding meant that Captain Hutton was short of a player with his match about to start. An emergency call saw the cavalry arrive in the form of Dipen Shah. With no prior experience, Dipen was prepared to have a go. Soon it was obvious that Dipen had good ball control and fine delivery. Every throw was perfect in line but exactly a meter too long – the difference between a yorker and a full-toss.

The Squirrels had two important matches today. Captain Geoff Roan had brought his own music to be played for the evening. True to his style, his sexiness was playing some romantic songs, slow and rhythmic, slow and rhythmic. A visual depiction of the ambience he was creating would be Barry White singing You Are The First My Last My Everything in leopard skin thongs standing right in front of you. Some of the more sensual songs had been so overplayed that even the digital recording was crackling. Amazingly, this music also transformed the Squirrels game immeasurably. They were trouncing the Pride.

Down 6-1, the Pride fought back strongly to position their balls to potentially win three points with Martin Barry to play. A weaving, curving and wobbling throw from Martin saw his ball end up millimetres from the jack handing the Squirrels a 7-1 win.

Mixed Bag vs Glamour Girls 7-3

Mixed Bag: Captain Mona, Mike Chandler, Steve Chandler, John Eyres

Glamour Girls: Captain Louise Hobday, Lyn Stevens, Denise Broom and Janet Thom

Captain Roan’s music was predictably having an effect on the girls. Glamour girls Louise Hobday and Denise Broom broke out into an impromptu dance routine. Beautifully coordinated and choreographed they looked every bit like Sister Sledge in their pomp.

This year, Captain Mona had taken charge of Mixed Bag after Faisal had been promoted to General Faisal. With no evidence of any discussion it was not known how master strategist General Faisal was

communicating his ideas to Captain Mona. It can now be revealed that their minds are linked up by Bluetooth – a phenomenon that occurs after 30+ years of marriage. Complicated strategies are transferred by a lift of the eyebrow or a wink. Those wishing for a similar link-up with their partners should pause for thought. You may well be handed a notice of a headache even before the negotiations can even begin for a bit of rumpy-pumpy.

Mike Chandler was having a rare off day today. His unorthodox flick technique looks sublime when it is working and ridiculous when it is misfiring. Despite this local difficulty Mixed Bag were able to overwhelm the Glamour Girls to win the match 7-3.

WrongUns vs Squirrels 7-1

Squirrels: Captain Geoff Roan, June, Martin Barry and Charlie Hobday

WrongUns: Captain James Mans, Phil Smith, Paul Manley and Adam Holmes

Captain Mans has built a strong team spirit, so strong that the team ritual appears to revolve around his head. It is true that Captain Mans has a desirable head – smooth and inviting. Often you would see his team mates stroke his head or even kiss it! It is probably the only part of the body where a kiss could be planted without it being misconstrued. And when Danny Skilton who had turned up to watch the bowls placed a wet kiss on that shiny top you knew this was more than team spirit – it was turning into a cult. Most importantly however it works. WrongUns were pumped up for this match against the Squirrels.

The Squirrels needed to win this match to make themselves a certainty for the finals. But the WrongUns were not in a charitable mood as they swept to victory 7-1.

Carpet Burners vs Few Good Men 7-5

Carpet Burners: Captain Natalie Waters, Max Walker, David Wakefield and Leigh Naughton

Few Good Men: Captain David Goodchild, Marc Broom, John Rayment and Emma Murphy

This was a must win game for Few Good Men. A win would cement their place in the finals. However, they were taking on the determined Carpet Burners who are very capable of causing an upset.

The match was a highly tense affair as either side jostled for supremacy. The pressure was palpable as Leigh Naughton prepared to make an important throw. You could tell that she was under pressure – enormous pressure. Just after she had delivered the ball her face began to twitch and her right cheek began to screw up. The good samaritan next to me knew immediately what this meant. He had seen the commercials on TV and this had all the hallmarks of someone having a stroke. He started to dial 999 as Leigh’s eyes began to squint and face was a picture of agony. And then a smile. Leigh had been following the path of the ball she had bowled as it went under the chairs past the table leg, past Chris Thom’s boot and came to rest by the jack. The good samaritan could put his phone away now.

As the tempo of the music in the hall was rising and so was the tension in the match. Then suddenly there appeared to be a malfunction of the speakers – a sort of ‘Oooooo’ noise coming out of it. A closer inspection established that there was nothing wrong with the speakers. Instead, it was Brenda Goodchild sitting by the speakers and booing the opposition. And the next thing you know there was a pitch invasion. Brenda had invaded the pitch waving what appeared to be a daffodil. And the complaint? “He was looking at my son in a funny way”! Soon calm broke out as the match ended 7-5 to the Carpet Burners.

Cunning Stunts vs Calendar Girls 7-3

Cunning Stunts: Captain Matt Savage, Will Dunn, Stanley and James Roan

Calendar Girls: Captain Zara, Tracey, Chloe, Corrine and Will Bramble

The Calendar Girls were taking on formidable opponents, the Stunts in this late match. Corrine came in early, much earlier than the rest of her team. She had come to take in the ambience and settle in so that she could put on a good show later on. She appeared to be in meditation. If not meditation she was in conversation either way a picture of concentration. This proved to be good preparation. When the match started, she was on fire. (Not the kind of fire Chris James and John Harry go around dousing)

Then suddenly the doors burst open. There stood a lady in red – red coat and read heals with her hair blowing in the wind. No, Chrst de Burgh was not playing in the background. Heads turned to work out who was making this spectacular entrance. It was Louisa Savage! How times have flown.

Despite the valiant efforts of the Calendar Girls the Stunts always had the edge. A final flourish by the girls to setup a winning position was snuffed out by a brilliant throw from Matt Savage for the Stunts to end up winners 7-3

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Week 4 report

The next bowls night is on Friday the 8^th of March.

The latest report is now also available on our website: http://eastcotecc.hitscricket.com/pages/page_23383/Indoor-Bowls.aspx

Note: The below account of the last bowls evening is by Path Rasan, last seen taking notes without his glasses and with a vivid imagination. This report may well be factually challenged and as such should only be ingested with a pinch of salt.

EASCOTE INDOOR BOWLS: THE FEW GOOD MEN TAKE THE LEAD

RESULTS TABLE - 2013 INDOOR BOWLS TOURNAMENT
	Won	Lost	Pts Scored	Pts Conceded	Net Score
Few Good Men	3	1	30	19	11
Eastcote Pride	3	1	29	24	5
Cunning Stunts	3	1	27	24	3
Squirrels	2	2	29	19	10
WrongUns	2	2	29	26	3
Carpet Burners	2	2	23	23	0
Mixed Bag	2	2	21	26	-5
Calendar Girls	1	3	22	31	-9
Glamour Girls	0	4	14	32	-18

The contest for the prestigious Eastcote Indoor Bowls trophy intensified this week as the teams wrestled to stay in contention for a semi-final place. The latest points table shows the Few Good Men leading the Pride and the Stunts but only by net points score. The matches on Friday 8 March 2013 are going to be decisive.

Carpet Burners vs Squirrels 2-7

Carpet Burners: Captain Natalie Waters, Max Walker, David Wakefield and Leigh Naughton

Squirrels: Captain Geoff Roan, June, Vic and Trevor Waters

Squirrels were scheduled to play a late match today but Captain Roan was keen to play earlier. In fact he wanted to start the match at 8:04pm when in his view the stars were aligned in his teams favour. Looking at the early rounds however, the balls they were bowling did not look particularly aligned.

Captain Roan had co-opted into his side, Trevor, father of Natalie, the captain of Carpet Burners, a canny selection by the master of mind games. The Carpet Burners under the leadership of Captain Natalie is an ambitious side with just one mission – to win the Indoor bowls trophy. With daughter pitted against father, this was shaping up to be a very interesting match indeed.

The match was a tense affair, a match the Squirrels and Trevor would go on to win 7-2. Natalie’s disappointment was all too plain. Trevor had taught his daughter the art of winning - the importance of discipline, concentration, application and maintaining that all important will to win. In fact, he had taught her all she knew. However, he appears not to have taught her all he knew. He had not taught her the most important secret about how to win – to play for side most likely to win - the defending champions.

Umpire Rossington had come up with a novel idea. On his foot was a pointy shoe that was exactly a foot long. These shoes in keeping with latest fashion also had other uses. Apart from being useful for a quick rebuke these shoes could also do away with the need for a tape measure when measuring the distance of the closest ball to the jack. Genius!

Few Good Men vs Glamour Girls 7-1

Few Good Men: Captain David Goodchild, Adam Rossington, Marc Broom and E Broom

Glamour Girls: Captain Louise Hobday, Lyn Stevens, Denise Broom and David Bowers

There was an air of confidence about the Few Good Men today. Their record with the Glamour Girls was a good one and so their confidence was clear to see. Today, Captain Goodchild the resident role model was role modelling the importance of smiling while in the club premises. He was demonstrating how a smile can lift the spirits of those around you and also give you a pretty face. Next week he will be role modelling how to keep in shape by avoiding beer and instead having a nice pint of coke.

The match went with form. Despite the valiant efforts of the girls they were staring defeat at 6-0. A brilliant throw by Marc Broom saw his ball nestle next to the jack. You knew he liked it because the showboating had begun. Between this and certain defeat for the Glamour Girls was just one woman - Denise Broom.

Until recently a ‘Cootchi Cootchi Coo’ and a pinch on Marc’s cheek by mum Denise would not have been out of the ordinary. The big question the crowd was asking was would mum Denise have the heart to spoil the day for her now vigorously showboating baba? Baba my heck. Her throw was strong and precise. It smashed Marc’s ball so hard that the ball shot off the floor, past the piano, round the TV and was stuck in some speaker wires. To add insult to injury, the Glamour Girls had won a point as well!

This phenomenon was reminiscent of a poignant moment in a BBC wildlife program when mother eagle teaches its chick a tough lesson by pushing it over the cliff to encourage it to fly only to see it roll down the cliff. This Eastcote eagle however will soar having learnt a very important lesson. When it comes to the prestigious bowls trophy you can’t even depend on your mother to help you out.

Mixed Bag vs WrongUns 7-5

Mixed Bag: Captain Mona, Mike Chandler, Steve Chandler, John Eyres and Phil Rose

WrongUns: Captain James Mans, Phil Smith, Paul Manley and Adam Holmes

Captain Mona was back. Her attempt to sign up highly experienced David Young, otherwise known as DCY had failed. Mr Young’s name was apt in the last millennium but in the current one the pretence is wearing thin. DCY makes the legendary John Eyres look like a school boy. He admits that he was not around when the wheel was invented but claims to having been around when balls were invented. He was schooled in an era when tough meant tough. Only last year, operating as an umpire he had safely deflected a full blooded drive with a toughest part of his body – his forehead. Unlike today’s kids whose first item in their cricket bag is their BUPA medical card, DCY is hard, very hard. They don’t make them this hard anymore. Unfortunately, Mona was not able to sign him up for the bowls today because he is not allowed out of the house after 6pm.

There was some controversy in this match when Mixed Bag’s new find Phil Rose came up with an innovative and effective way of bowling with a scrambled seam. This ruffled up the feathers of resident class monitor, Paul Manley who was quick to complain. A check of the rule book revealed that this was indeed a legitimate delivery.

On past form, the expectation would have been for the WrongUns to romp home winners. However, Mixed Bag had other ideas today causing an upset and taking this match 7-5.

Mixed Bag vs Cunning Stunts 6-7

Mixed Bag: Captain Mona, Mike Chandler, Steve Chandler, John Eyres and Phil Rose

Cunning Stunts: Captain Will Dunn, Stanley, Louisa Savage and James Roan

With Captain Savage furiously climbing the corporate ladder this evening, rock star turned cricketer Will ‘The Voice’ Dunn was in charge. This fine leader of men and mice is endowed with many things but none more powerful than that voice. His whisper is deafening. He can perform at Hyde Park without a mike. It does not appear to occur to Captain Dunn that modulating that voice in confined spaces would be a good idea.

So, invariably this match was going to be a very noisy affair and so it proved to be. Every point and in fact every throw was greeted with a high five and just noise. There was however one person in the team who was not able to contribute. Stanley had lost his voice, supporting QPR! You may wonder how that is possible. How many times do you have to shout ‘kick it away’? When his wife Lyn was asked how the loss of voice was affecting home life she was adamant that there really was no respite from his moaning. ‘He is now moaning in gestures’ she said.

The Stunts are a strong side but they were playing a very determined Mixed Bag team. Resident osteopath, Steve Chandler was displaying some fantastic skills to keep Mixed Bag in contention. He has performed a few miracles resuscitating the old crocks at Eastcote CC to enable them to play cricket, but saving this match was a miracle too far as the Stunts scraped home winners 7-6. The crowd was left wondering whether the irrational exuberance of the Stunts had a part to play in their win.

Cunning Stunts vs Pride 4-7

Cunning Stunts: Captain Will Dunn, Stanley, Louisa Savage and James Roan

Eastcote Pride: Captain John Clouting, Mark Fielding, Lee Hutton, David White and Peter Tilsed

This match was between the young irrationally exuberant Stunts versus the rationally subdued, Pride. If the Stunts were showing all the hallmarks of rearing stallions on heat the Pride’s approach in general and Andrew Wakeford’s in particular had the D&A of thoroughbreds written all over it. The same cannot however be said about nice and meaty Chilli Con Carne Andrew dished out recently.

Peter Tilsed was also giving a fine bowls display although from time to time he was overshooting the mark. He was beginning to find out that the Axministier at home is fine to roll around in but for bowls practice, the surface is a bit too slow compared to that in the bowls arena at the club.

If the match was decided on noise alone it would have gone to the Stunts 7-0. This was however a bowls match which the Pride won 7-4

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Week 3 report

MATCH REPORT: EASTCOTE CC BOWLS 2013 CHAMPIONSHIPS – WEEK 3

Bowls regulars, Paul Manley and David Bowers were missing this evening. They were reportedly trawling through the vineyards of France to pick the best wines for the President’s French Wine and Quiz Night on Saturday 23^rd February. It is fascinating how it took just a few sticks of bread under his armpit, a beret and some facial hair to transform Mr Manley to Monsieur Manley as seen on the website/poster picture for the evening. A few tickets are still available for this fun packed event.

	Won	Lost
Eastcote Pride	3	0
Cunning Stunts	2	0
WrongUns	2	1
Carpet Burners	2	1
Mixed Bag	1	1
Squirrels	1	2
Few Good Men	1	2
Calendar Girls	1	3
Glamour Girls	0	3

Calendar Girls vs Carpet Burners 5-7

Calendar Girls: Captain Zara, Tracey, Chloe, and Will Bramble

Carpet Burners: Captain Natalie Waters, Max Walker, David Wakefield and Leigh Naughton

The ambitious Carpet Burners were approaching this match with great determination to win and notch up some points. They are not just determined bowls players, they are also trend setting style icons. For example trend setting Max Walker has been making a fashion statement, sporting a form of facial hair for the past few months. There is no doubt the fashion industry will catch on to this style …. one day …. this millennium.

As the match was in progress, Calendar girls, Bev and Elisha made a grand entrance into the bowls arena. Almost immediately Bev’s eyes met that of Zara’s across the bowls floor. Soon, they were mouthing words but with no sound - just exaggerated movement of the lips. It was as much intense as sensuous. They were secretly communicating! Was it about some weakness of the opposition, was it some tactics to follow or was it just naughty talk. It soon became clear that it was not only naughty it was also unhealthy! Zara wanted Bev to buy her a bag of pork scratchings at the bar.

The match itself was a highly competitive affair with neither side giving way. But eventually the Carpet Burners did just enough to go on to win 7-5.

WrongUns vs Eastcote Pride 6-7

Eastcote Pride: Captain John Clouting, Mark Fielding, Lee Hutton, David White and Peter Tilsed

Wrong Uns: Captain James Mans, Phil Smith, Adam Harding and Adam Holmes

Continuing to evolve is an important part of staying on top. Former champions Eastcote Pride have taken this on board as they seek to win the championships this year. For this match, non playing captain, Captain Clouting had promoted himself to Director of Bowls. Tonight’s non playing captain was their inform player Lee Hutton. His contribution to captaincy appeared to be the sum total of sweating like hell on the sidelines during each round of bowls and then, at the end each round to tell his team “well done”. Surprisingly this was working really well for him.

The secret behind The Pride’s success tonight was new recruit Peter Tilsed. If you don’t know Peter, at least you will know his laughter. It is a laugh that lights up the room (and the surrounding ones). It is also a laughter that kills all known germs … dead. For those of you who have not heard it, it sound like that Vincent Price laugh in Michael Jackson’s thriller video but this one recorded while Vincent Price is being tickled

Between Peter’s laughter (and play) and Lee’s captaincy, the WrongUns were finding it hard to keep up. Often they were in survival mode smashing the jack off the floor. On one such occasion, Adam Holme’s throw was so hard that the ball leapt up and hit the door leaving an indentation. Like many greats at the club before him, Adam too has now left a mark on the club - in the shape of a zero. It is not easy to ‘accidentally’ carve out 42 not out on the door.

It was a very close match, one that Eastcote Pride scraped through to win 7-6. Asked about his contribution after the match, Adam Harding was adamant (pardon the pun). “I am a team player and I am part of …. whatever we are called’ he said. It is a pun of his surname however that has inspired his nickname – a nickname that appears to suggest that he is more pleased to see you than you think

Few Good Men vs Mixed Bag 5-7

Few Good Men: Captain David Goodchild, Mark Broom, Clive Wallis, Stefan Saleem and Guy Stacey

Mixed Bag: Mike Chandler, Steve Chandler, John Eyres and Bobby

Mixed Bag captain Mona was going to be at Heathrow this evening. She had given her team an ultimatum – deliver me a win or I would be taking the first plane out of the country. This tactic, as you will find out later, worked really well for Mona. Not all captains should try this because many of them may find themselves on that plane.

The highly motivated Mixed Bag set about the task with some vigour. Vigour however is not quite in John Ayres vocabulary. In the same mould as his hero John Wayne, John Eyres sports a stiff upper lip and shows little emotion. He was dead pan before pans were invented. To compensate for this, acting captain Mike Chandler had brought in Bobby who was showing enough emotion to make up for the entire team.

The Few Good Men were having a nightmare tonight. Two of their legendary stars Clive Wallis and Mark Broom were not firing on all cylinders. In fact they were not firing on any cylinders. A debate ensued after the match between these two legends as to who was rubbish on the night. Each of these brilliant advocates proved beyond reasonable doubt that the other was rubbish. The crowd had no choice but to agree with both of them.

Guy Stacey the hotshot golf player was showing how some skills like temperament are transferable from golf to bowls. He demonstrated immense self control by not bursting in to tears even as his throws kept ending up in the ladies toilets. Next week he will be demonstrating the bowls equivalent of the art bunker shots – getting out of the ladies toilet.

Calendar Girls vs Squirrels 7-6

Squirrels: Captain Geoff Roan, Vic, Aran Philips, Jonathan Barry and Martin Barry

Calendar Girls: Captain Zara, Tracey, Chloe, and Will Bramble

Acting captain Vic was a worried man. You know when Vic is worried – he moves around a lot in a confined space. Today, he had the task of leading this champion side in the absence of Captain Roan and their best player June, both of whom were on holiday. Despite their pile of homework, Jonathan Barry and Aran Phillips were called up to help the team out. With bowls, they could learn some geometry and some arithmetic adding up the scores. But the biggest lesson they would have learnt today was how to take a defeat. With an amazing display the Calendar Girls went on to beat the Squirrels 6-7.

This news is unlikely to be palatable for Captain Roan sunning himself on holiday. Reports suggest that he was last seen crying into his Pina coladas.

Cunning Stunts vs Glamour Girls 7-4

Cunning Stunts: Matt Savage, Stanley, Louisa Savage and James Roan

Glamour Girls: Captain Louise Hobday, Lyn Stevens, Janet Thom and Jo Barry

Captain of Glamour Girls Louise Hobday was under pressure today. “I have just come off my death bed to play this match” she said. She had a cold. This is typical of Glamour Girls. They are dainty, delicate even demure. A celebrity who would best represent a Glamour Girl would be ~~Cheryl Cole~~ Katherine Jenkins. The Calendar Girls on the other hand are flamboyant, flashy, a bit raunchy even, like Kate Moss.

So, when Louise needed to add to her team, she would naturally look for typical Glamour Girl. Enter Jo Barry. Jo is a typical Glamour Girl but only during the early part of the evening. As the evening progresses she begins to take on the characteristics of a Calendar Girl. Further into the evening there is sufficient folklore to suggest that she enters a class of her own. In fact, a class of one. Eastcote is not big enough to form a team around that category.

Chris Thom was out of the Stunts side today. He had played the previous week and had not made much of an impact. This week he was not in the side. However, he would make a significant impact by accidentally putting his size 12s in the path of a crucial throw. No one will now know how this intervention may have changed the destiny of the tournament.

In between points, Stanley playing for the Stunts would take a seat on a high chair. For his team mates he looks like he always does - a bag of bones perched on a high chair. But, for the women of Eastcote he is a vision of one big attractive throbbing muscle, a man-god even – utterly irresistible. So it is no surprise then why Lyn, in a moment of weakness may want to pop herself on his inviting lap. Fortunately she sat on his lap long enough for it to be seductive but short enough not to dislocate his dodgy hip. It was beautiful.

As for the match The Stunts proved too strong for the Glamour Girls as they went on to win 7-4.